A PLASTER FOR MY MIND

Dance away the blues

2011-12-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling a little low for a couple of days. A friend made a comment yesterday. It was said in jest and its not the first time hes said it but last night it really made me feel shit. The dude is a bit of a comedian annd would NEVER say anything to hurt me. But because of my own personal guilt it really touched home. I sent him a tex about how I feel and he texed me back with a big apology which I knew he would anyway. So. Tonight I have decided to go out by my self to a bar and hopefully get lucky and and do the robot on the dance floor.

:-(

2011-11-15T10:19:00.001-08:00

Forever the enemy. Thats me.

That on and off feeling

2011-10-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up or more was awoken this morning to a voice asking if I had done the dishes(dont ask. I live in a crazy house). So you can imagine how moody I was at 6am in the morning with scrubbing the plates down with fairy liquid. Not happy. Usually I calm down because it can be quite therapeutic. But I was in strangely sad mood. My mood did get better after I had some more sleep but for the whole day I have been switching from being ok to feeling slightly sad. And Ive had this little "electric" feeling going through my body. Something I have experienced in the past. All in all I feeling horrible but Im trying to be patient.
I even remember a couple of days ago sleeping with my headphones on listing to a bit of music. It wasnt anything to soppy, but I ended up crying as I woke up. The first thing that came to mind was "Oh shit. Not again". I really want all this to be old news but here I am a year later back on this blog rambling again. But one thing I must say is that Im terribly frightened about the future. Not without reason and not just for me. I feel like there may be some drastic world wide changes. Hopefully Im very wrong. And I really hope my best friend is ok too. I know hes going through quite a bit. Im sure its depression. But hopefully we will all be alright (InshAllah).

Peace.

2011-10-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

I came back from a bar tonight. Wasn't the best night but you cant always get lucky. Anyhow on the way home I decided to miss my stop and go to the petrol station for some snacks. I walked back home from the station instead of taking the bus. It was a beautiful slow walk. No one about. Then it occurred to me how peaceful life is when everyone is asleep. No bickering or quarrelling of any kind. Just peace. Between 2-5am. Just peace. Always the best time in the day (or night). Sometimes I wish it would last. But thats just wishful thinking. I wish there was peace in the world and all the suffering and greed came to an end. But unfortunately we don't live in Disney land. The madness will start all over again once someone's alarm clock goes off.

.

2011-04-21T06:30:00.001-07:00

A weird day.

Anxiety strikes back!

2011-04-19T05:14:00.000-07:00

Ive just come back home from a little walk. I tried to book an appointment with the doctor because of a crazy cough Ive had for almost 3 months and because I cant hear jack. Im assuming its one of those blocked sinus things but it also doesnt help that I have a crazy obsession of shoving things down my ear just because it feels good. Like I said, crazy. I also hate the fact that it feels like Im getting a bad case of anxiety again. Its the kind of one thats a bit hard to control. Maybe because I havent been sleeping well this week and the week before last and have been feeling very lethargic. Not good when you know you have things to do. And did I mention I have hayfever?

A good day?

2011-02-03T16:54:00.000-08:00

Some days I can take being a little different. Strangely enough it can be amazing and makes you really appreciate it when your blessed with a normal day. But there are some days when it JUST SUCKS!!! On a good day its so easy to forget that your a little different. Its almost as if there was nothing wrong with you in the first place. But when the good feel shows signs of ending you can also forget that you've been through it all before and thats when panic teams up with worry and before you know it you feel like your back to square one.

NOTE TO SELF: NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. EVER!!!!!

;-)

MISLED

2010-11-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

I feel hurt. I feel like I have been misled and just left in the dumps. Some people are really fucked up. I Feel like the girl I started liking led me on. I really feel like shit. And I know she went home with some guy I happen to know and slept with him. If it was any other girl I wouldn't give a damn. But the thing is I kinda do. Ill be honest in saying I haven't done anything with her. Not even a kiss. But sometimes you just click with someone and thats it. I know she liked me and the feeling was mutual. People who didn't even know us assumed so too. And yes it is DUMB for me to fall for a woman I haven't even known for that long at all but I didnt ask for it to happen. It just did. And like a loser I let my guard down. NEVER AGAIN. She gave me so many signs and hints but When I like someone I turn from a man to a boy and become shy. And Im not even a shy dude!!! Theres so many things I want to say but wont go intot too much detail. It seems that women really don't like good guys. Man this feels so shit! Its over before anything even started. And for some fucked up reason I miss her slightly. Man I sound like a dick.

Watch what you say

2010-09-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its best to just SHUT YOUR MOUTH. I said something today which I probably shouldn't have. But I didnt say it out of spite at all. Everything I said was true. But Sometimes I dont like to bring things up in fear of hurting someone. But When your provoked for whatever reason patience can fly out the window and out comes everything thats on your mind. But what baffles me is that she didnt get what I was trying to say at all. Its like she heard every word I said but didnt. And at the end of it all not only do I feel TERRIBLE, Im still also in the wrong which to me doesnt make sense.

But I guess shes going through her own struggles and me being the silent type with little communication skills around her doesnt help.

But I am sorry.

Anxious and broke

2010-08-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

Man I have been away from this blog for a while. Every time Ive had the urge to write, there's been a family member around.

I'm feeling a bit anxious because Im trying to find a job. Ive just enquired about doing a market stall and for some reason feel a strangely anxious. I think its more that Im broke than anything else. I need money. My family need money. I need to move out. Im getting on my families nerves and vice versa. Oh yes and I have very little money. I know, I know, appreciate what you little you have. And I honestly do. But its just sucks being poor . Especially for this long.

Right. I have to find a way to calm this anxiety ASAP. Its feels like the kind I've had in the past and thats not good.

Isnt it strange when you go through a feeling of normality for a very long while and forget that you have a problem and then WHAM, it comes back?! Not good. Not good at all!

quick rant

2010-06-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes even when things are going well, life can really suck.
I have to watch a movie to cheer me up.

I've noticed...

2010-04-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

This is just an observation. Ive been going out for to a few bars for the past couple of months. Yes I do come home late and miss out on sleep. But Ive started to notice something. I'm the type of guy who loves to dance. Especially when a good tune comes on. Id even dance by myself. The thing is, whenever I come back home from a bar after going wild on the dance floor, I get this feeling of energy and happiness. Its like my body feels rejuvenated. Even the air smells better and this is no word of a lie. Its not like I feel euphoric or anything .But its a cool feeling. So my guess is that all that dancing must have the same effect as exercising. It has to be endorphins being released during 'exercise'. Its a really good feeling. And from this maybe I should try and eat right and start exercising again. But this here's the problem: I can dance all night for 3 hours and feel great, but if I over exercise for over 20 minutes I then start getting exercise induced asthma which I find really weird. So why is that? And how do I sort that out?. I'm going to have to start taking responsibility for my mind body and soul and start doing some research!

THINKING OVERLOAD

2010-04-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

I feel a little frustrated. I feel like the things that I want to happen are moving to slow. On top of that I went out last night, came home very late and still woke up early in the morning? My body needs rest. I don't know why I keep fighting it sometimes. I think it can take a toll on my moods. The strange thing about me is that Im almost always thinking. Maybe even over thinking. Especially when my mind is on a creative high. I have lots of ideas but I sometimes dont always know how to get started. Its like my mind doesn't sleep. Im always thinking about the next thing, like I a have to be 2 steps ahead.
And then theres life. Always wondering how it will pan out? Whats going to happen next? Will I be able to survive? Will I be a success? What about money? What about a house? Will I get married? WHERE THE HECK DO ALL THESE QUESTIONS COME FROM? QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS!!! At a time like this some people would opt to smoke there nerves away. What do I do? Buy some biscuits, a chocolate bar and a coke! And dont forget the burger and chips on top of that!

Anxiety again...

2010-03-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

I think Im going through a bit of anxiety at the moment. Im looking to move into my own place pretty soon and Im trying to convince my self that Im not at all scared. The thing is Im absolutely s#!ting myself. I always get this feeling when Im about to embark on something new. Especially when Im going on holiday where I know Ill be away from home for a while. This time round its me knowing that finding a new place is PERMANENT!!! No comfort zone no nothing. Im hoping that this feeling will soon disappear and eventually I will get used to a brand new environment. I cant even bring myself to go around my friends house and start searching for my new place. Aint it a b!tc# when you finally get some kind of normality in your life and then WHAM!!!

Nothing much to say...

2010-03-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

I havent blogged anything here in a while. Havent really got much to say at the moment. Just got me a bit of a flu.

Note to self...

2009-12-30T19:14:00.000-08:00

...get some sleep!!! Going to bed at 4am is not a good idea!

Wasting too much time doing nothing again

2009-12-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

This is the second day that Ive wasted doing nothing. I need to shake this lethargic feeling off. I really need to get some work done.

I am...

2009-12-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

...STRUGGLING! I feel like Im on the verge of another serious deppression which I am not looking foward to. Im ok then Im down again. Then Im ok then down again and again and again.

I went out for a nice little walk around my house yesterday and although a little anxious for some odd reason, I really enjoyed it. Fresh air and a bit of sunshine, but not without the cold.
But I cant get over how fast the day went. It got dark pretty quick

**************************************************************************************

You see this is weird. I wanted to finish what I wrote above but I was trying to do it without getting caught by family members. After a good 4 to 5 hours Ive finaly got a chance to continue but cant. You see apart from not being bothered since dissapearing for those couple of hours Ive experienced ups and downs, felt very lethergic, sadness, unreal and hopeless. ALL WITHIN THOSE 4 TO 5 HOURS. This is CRAZY!!!! And now all of a sudden I feel slighty refreshed and am blogging whilst watching a DVD!!!!!!!

BAD BRAIN!

2009-11-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

I've been away from this blog for a little while now which is a good thing. Nothings has been amazing but it definitely hasn't been that bad either. Its was good enough to keep me away anyway. But as per usual it was only a matter of time till I started feeling "different" again.

I was in the Sainsburys today and I felt a little anxious with a dash of sadness. On top of that I hadn't eaten for the whole day so that may have added to my slightly melancholy mood. I tried to eat a bit healthy whilst I was there but got seduced by the chocolate milkshake. I couldnt help it. It was just stared at me and Im a weak man. The way I see it Im fragile right now so Im bloody entitled to treat myself.

Anyway, The reason its all gone a bit pear shaped for me right now is all because of Saturday night. Everyone in my family had all of a sudden decided they were going out. So one by one they all left. This is usually cool. I dont always have a problem with this. In fact Im always longing for the opportunity to be left alone. Im a grown ass man. I need the space sometimes. But this time it was different. As soon as the last person left my brain gradually woke up and realised that I was the only one in the house and went into panic mode. It wasnt a panic attack . It was more of an extreme worry. I tried my best to keep myself calm. I even watched a film. But this time round my brain was its own master. It totally ignored me. The bastard!

So now Im left feeling a bit sad, very tired, a little confused, pessimistic and just down right low.But you know what? Im going to try and keep thinking positive and pray and hope for this all to blow over!

Chocolate Spread

2009-09-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

Im eating chocolate spread from the jar. And Im in a mood inwhich I feel the possible is impossible. So yeah Im feeling kinda low and just a little "out of control". Just trying to be patience in hope that it will all pass over. Man this is crap. Oh and Im tired!

Ive also been experiencing that old feeling of my body doing its on thing. Its like a mini electric pulse surging through my body. I first had that feeling when I was on holiday in 2007 except it was worse. I hate it when it disturbs my sleep. My sleeping pattern has been crap anyway so that may have somthing to do with it.

"YOUR STRESSED..."

2009-08-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

A stranger told me today that Im stressed. That I have allot on my mind. And it made me think. I really must be. Ive always always ALWAYS been a very laid back kind of guy. I didnt worry about a thing. But that was the past. But saying that I still retain some of those traits. But maybe its somthing that Ive always been through. Something that may have laid dormant for a while until later on in my life. I dont know. Ive got a lot to try and figure out for myself. Ivm going to try and write a list of things that stress me out a bit. Possibly in no particular order.

1. I hate being the oldest brother. How Ive turned out is totally not what I wanted to be. I feel sorry for my younger siblings. ESPECIALLY my middle brother. He should have either had a better brother or been the eldest. I should realy lead by example to the younger ones. But thats not the case.

2. I should really have been the best son in the world. But Im not. Im the eldest and have done nothing to make my mum proud.

3.Islam. In my heart its the most beautiful religion in the world. And I know if I try my best it would make drastic positive changes in my life and know Id be FAR more happier...I know this but Im so easily distracted. I love the world too much and I love women. But I also love Allah with ALL MY HEART. But its hard. Its hard to stay on the straight path. In Islam Allah is THE MOST MERCIFUL and capable of forgiving anything. But sometimes I wonder how many times he can forgive me for my silly mistakes. I really hope He is patient with me inshAllah(which means 'God willing').

4. My mind. Wow. My mind has started to rebel against me and sometimes doesnt cooperate with me. I hate waking up not knowing wether your gonna have a crap day or not. "Will I be alright on my own?" "Will I be able to cope with life?" "Will I ever get my big break?". All theses thoughts and funny feelings running through my mind. Bloody nora!

5. ANXIETY. I HHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEE IT!!!! WITH A PASSION!!!!! Chest pains, breathing problems, a feeling of losing control, waking up at odd hours.

6. Myself. I am no longer comfortable with my own self anymore and thats one of the scariest things to happen to me for a while.

Im gonna try and feel out the rest of the list if I get time. Im starting to feel tired now.

In a shitty mood...

2009-06-23T11:39:00.001-07:00

Ive been kinda cool for a little while now. No miracles have happened but things have been ok. For the past month Ive had to go and see a psychiatrist to try and delve deeper into my problems. Dont think it was much of a success. All I had was 3 weeks of DUMB questions!!! Anyway forget all that for the time being.
Right now I dont feel to good. Not the worst Ive been but crap none the less! A couple of days ago I felt I wanted to cry. Today im in a bit of a shitty mood. Maybe because I didnt sleep properly. I keep waking up early when I know I dont have work in the morning. I always feel I have to do somthing and not stay trapped in the same old rutt and routine for yet another decade. I need a good change in my life. And I want my old brain back!

How do I feel?...

2009-04-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

...Absoloutly SHIT!!! Im the champion at making wrong decisions in life and a loser when I am alone. I think to much and it has a bad effect on me. But I canf help it.

***WARNING: HERE COMES THE SELF PITYING PART***

Why the FUCK does this have to happen to me??? Im a weak individual. I cant live like this! I need a miracle. PLEASE GOD GRANT ME A MIRACLE...EVEN IF I DONT DESERVE IT...PLEASE!?!

I'VE GOT THE FLU...

2009-04-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

...Well more like Im trying to recover from one. Probably the longest and worse one I've had in my life. Mentaly anyhow! I've been feeling LLLOOOOOWWWWWW and negative since having this. Im back to that "Im not gonna make it" kind of thinking again. I bloody hate it. I feel NUTTY!! I wish I was joking!!! Went to work sick but missed the other two days because I didnt have the strength and really didnt want to go in. So basicaly Ive been laying low from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE in hope that period of MADNESS will soon pass over. And Im still bloody waiting! Man I dont know what to do anymore. And almost forgot...Ive sarted seeing a phsychiatrist...at a mental hospital. Too damn scared to write that in capitals!! Is it me or can phsychiatrist chat a load of SHIT?!?!? And I on top of that there getting paid to find out whats wrong with me and they cant even do that. And they still get PAID!!!! We're living in a crazy world!! No pun intended! Since I cant do this bit in the real world I'll do it in cyber space:AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ah...much better...NOT!!!!!!

Hello Goodbye

2009-03-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

The trip to "Europe" was ok.

Times are hard.

Im going to sleep!

Here we go again on another not so great adventure...

2009-03-04T01:10:00.000-08:00

Ok. Im going on a day trip to somwhere in europe tonight with some friends. But I feel a dose of fear and anxiety coming on. The last time I stayed the night somewhere was terrible! I didnt sleep very well, felt crazy and was over flooded with odd dreams. I am $hi+ing myself. But I know I have to go in order for me too try and pass this fear! I realy dont want to go.

YESTERDAY EARLY THIS MORNING

2009-02-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

Stayed over at one of my good mates house. We had to get some stuff done for a project. We did a bit then ended up talking about girls and ex girlfriends. One word of advise: DONT DO BUISNESS WITH FRIENDS!!! You wont get anything done!!! Any way we were watching TV and a programme was on about the negative and positive effects of canibiss. As soon as they went to the topic of mental ilness I could feel my anxiety & panic kicking in. I hate that. Trigger words get on my bloody nerves. Its not as bad s it used to be but its still gets me. There used to be a time where when ever I heard or read the words "mental ilness" "crazy" and especially the word "ANXIETY" I would start getting dizzy light headed and sometimes out of breath. The only thing that was able to calm me down a little was eating. Strange times!
Anyway my mate went to sleep and I was still on the computer untill I started getting tired too. I tried to sleep but forget about it. I mean I did sleep but it was a disturbed sleep. I kept waking up and having funny(but not scary)dreams. I had alot on my mind and once in a blue moon whenever that happens to me sleeping becomes an enemy. I just cant do it. I started thinking about what it would be like living alone. I was really over thinking. I dont mean to do it but I do it quite alot. I was also thinking about the time I went with my friends outside London staying at a hotel where I was having the same problem sleeping. But in that case I felt like I was silently going insane. That was not nice at all.

oidf jnetl?????

2009-02-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

Im struggling at the moment. Just woke up and feel dazed. Have some work that needs to be done by yesterday and im hungry. Oh and I have the whole "fear" thing settling in. Sorry about the title!!

Simply...

2009-01-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

...scared and sad and listening to the sounds of rain and crickets on youtube.

SAD LONELY DUDE

2009-01-27T17:24:00.000-08:00

Ive been having a roller coaster ride of emotions for the past two days. Up then down then up agiain then straight back down. Its been more of a fear of the futrue type of thing. Wondering how Im gonna cope on my own. These thoughts are really two hard to bear sometimes. I feel like im not going to survive. But the odd thing about me is that somtetimes when Ive had somthing to eat I feel like I come back to my senses. Very trange I know. But I cant explain it. But right now I feel a real sense of sadness. But this is a normal sadness. But I feel sad none the less. Why? I feel like my life is a bit of a waist. My friends are slowly but surely coupling up and taking things to the next level. They all seem to be moving in with each other, getting married and most importantly for me having children. And im really happy for all of them. I wish them ALL the best insAllah(God willing!). But I feel left out. Like theres nothing for me. I made contact with a girl I used to know a long time ago. Her sister came round where I work and gave me her number and told me to get in contact with her. This girl im talking about was AMAZING!!The first and only time Ive ever come close to falling in love with someone. She already has a kid and just had another recently with a guy that used to go to the same college. Like I said Im very happy for everyone. Even them. But damn. I wish that guy was me. I wish they were my kids. Of all the lady friends Ive ever met I would have loved her to be in my life. And I know and except that thats just the way life goes. But it hurts. Instead I get to be a grown lonely "crazy" dude. Im fed up. I just want a normal life like everyone else. I want to fall in love and get married. I want to have kids. I feel like im going to die unlucky. But I dont want to.

Madly Stuck.

2009-01-16T00:42:00.000-08:00

I know what I want from life and I know which direction I would like it to go. But I really cant see it happening at the moment. I feel stuck crazy and confussed. I dont understand that this whole "madness" should come at a time when I feel most creative and determined in this part of my life.

A note before I leave for work

2009-01-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

I feel $h!+ dazed and confussed right now. Really dazed and confussed!!!! Almost sick without feeling sick!!!

"NICE DAYS"

2008-12-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

I woke up to a bit of nice sunshine this morning wich was pretty nice.A bit chilly, but nice. And I had a day off work which was a bonus. Got a phone call from an old lady friend (yes just a friend) from uni. Just spent the morning with her shoping during the boxing day sales. I didnt get anything special. Just a scketch pad. But anyway, when we arrived at the car park for the first time in a very long time I felt normal. I havent felt like this for a while. I felt like I didnt have a problem. It was realy nice. I wish it would last but I know how Im like. I cant predict somtimes whether Im going to feel good or not. Its a strange and scary world Im living in. But anyway I really would like more of these "nice days". Its like winning the lottery. Its nice to be at peace. It makes me really appreciate it when it comes. It makes me think how much we take for granted. Just the very simple things in life is a blessing. And as tough as things can be im thankful for it.

WHAT IM LISTENING TO ON REPEAT ON iTUNES

2008-12-22T18:08:00.000-08:00

Ash- Someday

1 YEAR LATER...

2008-12-22T18:01:00.000-08:00

Just felt the need to make a note to myself that its been 1 year and a bit since my whole mental status got a bit too serious. To be honest I really didnt think I was gonna be able to cope. I am geniuonly supprised a year has gone by so quickley and that I kinda made my way through it. I feel like things have improved and in the same breath have got worse.

STILL CANT THINK OF A TITLE

2008-11-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

I actually feel a little better for writng the post below...but just a LITTLE!

SORRY I CANT THINK OF A TITLE

2008-11-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

Im a in bit of a mood today. I dont feel extremely terrible, just a bit sad. Yesterday I felt my old feelings of fear creeping back up. Not nice. Especially when your on top of the world. The day before that I was unnecessarily anxious. Breathing was difficult. Just when you think your getting better, your not. Life realy isnt what we...or even I imagined it would be as a kid. My phsycologist is trying to refer me to see a professional at a real mental hospital. She says it will last about a year if I decide to go through with it. Man! I dont know if Im looking forward to it or not, but deep down I know I need help. To all those who suffer with some kind of mental health problem, I clap my hands to you. I dont know how you manage both that and life at the same time.

Ive got a few friends who know about me and my depression/anxiety/or whatever and a few out of the bunch of them have confidentially come out to me and told me they have been going through similar things as me. Both have gone through the therapy/counseling/citalopram/medication thing. One in particular even wrote about being hospitalized. And she still struggles but has come out strong and is amongst the group of friends who holds down a professional job. I really admire her. Looking at her and chatting to her you would NEVER guess she has a problem. Its a random thing to say but I really really really(ok enuff with the really business) wish I met someone like her. I would love to meet a girl who loves me and my madness and who understands exactly what im going through. But at the moment things seem impossible.

QUESTIONS

2008-10-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

Will I ever get better? Is it still possible to to get some peace in here? Will I ever defeat fear? Will I ever be comfortable with myself again? Will I ever be able to lead a near enough "normal life"? Will I ever get married? Despite all the mental mayhem can I still persue my dreams? Will I continue to be in financial hardship? Will all this expiate my sins? Will I ever have kids? Will I ever be able t suport myself with ease? Will I ever find a wife? Lets just hope the future starts getting bright real soon INSHALLAH!!!

AN ALTERNATIVE TO ANTIDEPRESSENT MEDICATIONS PERHAPS?

2008-10-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

Im not saying that this is the answer to my prayers, but anythings worth a try right?

CITALOPRAM TAKE 2...

2008-10-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

I think Iv been on citalopram for almost two weeks. I don't know if there helping me or not. But I feel awful! It was bearable for a couple of days then after that, not so good. I want to get off them but thats what Ive done in the past. This time I'm trying to stay committed to them. It could be that Im just experiencing side effects which may go away after my body gets used to it in its system. This is what a friend told me, who is also on the same medication. I cant believe how drowsy the meds have been making me feel. And on top of that I get extremely hungry. These meds really make me feel worse. Almost like the exact same feelings I had when I first experienced depression and anxiety. Not good. I fel asleep on the tills at work this week(could also be due to the fact I went out to a club two days before and didnt sleep till 11am the next day. Man im not as young as I used to be.). I couldent help myself. Usualy Im able to shake off the tired feeling and get on with it. But not this time.
I was even ment to go see a mate today but over slept, then jumped back into bed again. And Im still in my work clothes! I thought these meds were ment to help!?
Now I remember the reason why I failed to continue with my other antidepressants in the first place.

Well done New Zealand

2008-09-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ive been looking for this commercial from New Zealand everywhere. I stumbled upon it randomly early this year and was very impressed. Its ashame we dont have ads like this where im from. Could make such a big difference.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2008-07-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

One word of advice to anyone suffering from ANY type of mental illness...SLEEP WELL!!!! Make sure you sleep at an appropriate time and for at least 7-8 hours! I did'nt last night and I've just awoken trying to catch up with missed sleep and feel AWFUL!!! And on top of that I had a disturbing dream which has not helped at all. But saying that Im starting to feel better very slowly...!

"STUMBLEINE"

2008-07-24T04:49:00.000-07:00

Ok I haven't posted anything in a little while but all of a sudden I feel the need to. Why? Its a bit silly and not that important but...Il type it any way. I went to bed really late last night and this morning I feel absolutely knackered! Cream crackered I tell you! Not in the best of moods but ok. So I start surfing on the net and have my itunes on shuffle. Then I come across an art site that leads to an artist flickr page called Mike Lay. He has some pretty cool stuff. But then he has some other sites and is very honest about having a rough time at the moment. I felt a bit sorry for him. And like his work. But anyway whilst I just started reading about his thoughts, my itunes throws at me Smashing Pumpkins -"Stumbleine" (in which I quickly leave on repeat). All of a sudden my room lights up slightly from behind me and memories of a certain era come flashing back. It was the combination of that particular Smashing Pumpkins song, the sun light on the desktop I work at and possibly reading bits of Mike Lays journal that brought back the feelings of my art college foundation days. For 5 minutes I remembered how "normal" things used to be. How different the world and I was. How life made me feel. And for that small moment in time, the 15 minutes given to me to reminisce, the reflection of the suns light that decorated itself on my wall and most importantly the feelings I was comforted with like an old love from the past was beautiful.

A Beautiful Mind?

2008-06-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

Ive been "OK" for a little while now. No miracles or nothing like that. Just surviving. That was until yesterday. Every thing was going fine until sometime in the afternoon. I had fallen asleep after watching, or at least attempting to watch "A Beautiful Mind". I was knackerd!! And possibly cold. I had a very disturbed sleep! I twitched quite alot(which is embarrassing) and had this sort of "out of control" feeling! All this whilst still asleep. I woke up feeling a bit spaced out! And today Ive felt a residue of yesterdays madness. Ive just been feeling mentaly and physicaly sick. My concentration has been a bit blurred, my arms and legs have felt like they've been on fire and my nerves started taking control again! All this had realy amde me feel realy down and I havent been feeling depressed for a while. Like I've said before, if it aint one thing then its somthing else!

....

2008-06-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

Its 1:16 in the morning and Im feeling like absolute crap! I should realy try and get some sleep but Im too bloody stuburn!

THE BIG BROWN LETTER

2008-05-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

I went to see my Doctor a couple of weeks ago to tell him about my current situation and me possibly being bipolar. I saw him type something up on his screen to send to some kind of phsycologist. That kind of worried me. I cant believe I actually went to seek professional help (although Ive been to see counselors a numerous amount of time with short term success). He said he would send the letter and then they would get in touch with me. And what did I see when I got home from work? A big brown letter with a second class stamp with my name written on it. In Biro!! I knew what it was straight away. And it says I have to phone them within seven days too make an appointment. I'm $#!+ing bricks!

STILL NO IMPROVEMENT

2008-05-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

What the hell has happend to me? Im confussed. I dont know how on earth im going to survive this madness! How do you survive this? What am I suffering from? And why??? Its effecting my work and social life! Ive been a hermit for almost a week and a half. Im ignoring all my calls. My MSN is switched to offine. Im embracing the night time and hate the day time. What am I some kind of vampire or something? And why is it when I feel Im almost doing well, somthing strange happens to me that brings me right back down again.
And why am I so petrified of the future?

SOMETIMES

2008-05-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just feel like stoping.

AND FINALLY SOME CALM...

2008-05-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

Its 2:04 in the morning. Why do I finaly feel so calm? Is it because im tired? Because I actauly did my last prayer earlier on? Or that nobody is awake and im free to be me? What ever the reason Allhamdulillah!!

STILL CONFUSSED

2008-05-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

I dont know wether to scream, run, cry or just curl up in a fetus position in a corner. Im emotionaly drained and confussed. I've tried to avoid the day by just over sleeping.
Im realy trying my best to be strong. I try psych myself up to be positive and do things, but it doesnt last very long. And me listening to depressing music isnt doing me any favours either.
I feel like the two most important parts of me, my mind & body, have ganged up on me and become best friends! Imagine that! Being bullied by my own self!
If Im not crying for no reason, im crying for a reason. If im not crying, then im in some level pysical pain. If im not in pain, then im swarmed by absolute fear of ABSOLOUTLY NOTHING!
Am I the only one who understands what im going through? Is there some way of getting through this?

NOT AGAIN...

2008-05-08T01:10:00.000-07:00

Its happening again. My dreams feel alot better than life. I almost dread waking up. I have experienced this before. Not good. Not good at all. I really hope this passes.

IM WORRIED...

2008-05-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

Im worried. Ive always known there was somthing wrong with me as a child (I'll hopefully explain somtime later in the blog) but I've always been able to cope with it. Now things have changed. Im finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. How can I be in the happiest mood in the world one minuite then all of a sudden overwhelmed with random fear the next? All in the space of a week and somtimes even a day!! Im petrified sometimes.
There used to be a time I looked foward to the future. Now im to scared to even think about it. Although as a child I excepted the possibilty of things getting worse in my adult life I dont think I quite prepared myself for things to turn out like this. There is a GREAT possibility that I may be Bipolar. The moodswings, deep depressions, abnormal phsyical pains, anxiety, extreme nervousness, paranoia...the list probably goes on but I cant be bothered to think about the rest.

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY

2008-05-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like im in a strange world. Im not at all too depressed. I just feel like I cant do anything. And I cant believe Ive wasted the whole day not doing much. Im just in a baffled state of mind.
For a whole week before hand I was almost on top of the world. I felt like I could do almost anything I wanted to if I put my mind to it. Then came friday hand in hand with my down spiraling confidence and self belief. It almost like a game of tug of war up here.