Tuesday night/Wednesday morning rant

My eyeballs feel cold. Im tired. I feel a little cloudy headed. I cant seem to cry although I probably want to. Its almost feels like having a bad cold minus the coughing, sneezing and temperature. And it sucks. I always always ALWAYS seem to forget that I have a problem every time Im doing good. Like this whole madness will disappear forever. But Im actually starting to realise it doesn't work like that.

The past month has been a little crap for me. I was feeling really low. Really sad. Probably lasted about a week. It was similar to when I first went through the whole depression. It was a bit scary for me as its not a feeling you want knocking on your door too often. But then it seemed to have disappeared. Thane I went through the hole anxious stage. I think I started to panic about what I was going to do with myself. I had a new job, which I surprisingly enjoyed but it was only temporary. It ended at the end of September. Even thought I dont like to admit it, I think that could be one of the reasons I started feeling down. On top of that we have no money in the house and it sucks. One by one all my siblings are moving out from our home and now the council want us out. I have no real savings and I have to look out for my mother as well as try to hold myself together. And who wants to e homeless? I dont know how things are going to work out but I have to have hope. Like I thats it. I have no other choice. But its hard. I know compared to other people, my struggles/obstacles are nothing, but that doesn't mean it isnt difficult. I worried as heck!! All I can do is pray, try and be positive and be patient, but its hard sometimes. Especially when it all takes a toll on you physically. Like for the whole of yesterday and today I just feel mentally and physically weird (although I did feel like this last week and was surprisingly active with getting stuff done. But not so today). That cloud over your head, the weight you feel at the front of your head, its just plain weird. And GUILT. I will always feel guilty for the things I should have done as an older brother and son. Its so hard to change. I admire people who can. I just want to be a good person. But its difficult.

I theres anyone reading this and confused by what I've written don't panic. Sometimes I just need to rant and get things of my chest. And it actually feels good. Even if it doesn't last.

SAD AND PISSED!!!!!

Man do I feel down. What should have been a good night a couple of days ago ended up being CRAP. Like REALLY CRAP, and yesterday I started doing some press ups and after 10 minutes experienced a strange tight feeling around my neck and a lack of oxygen. It wasn't even strenuous. I had to sit down for a bit. All those old feelings all coming back in a space of a couple of days. IM PISSED OFF!!!!! And Im upset.  I almost want to cry. But I HAVE MADE A VOW TO MYSELF NOT TO LET THESE THINGS GET ME DOWN AND TO KEEP STRIVING!!!! But damn I still want to cry. Even if its just a little bit. But I think the real problem lies in me stressing that Im nowhere where I want to be in life and I have been trying my best. I hate to write this but sometimes it makes me feel like Im wasting my time. Everyone seems to be passing me by with there successes and Im moving very very slowly.

All of a sudden I feel a little better for writing this all down. But just a little.

That old feeling when you start a new job...

I start a new job tomorrow (well technically today in about 10 hours) and I have to say I have never felt so calm and yet so secretly scared in my life. I haven't had a proper job in a bit over 2 years. I left my older job in hopes of trying something new but it didnt work out as planed and now I need money. I had the interview for this new position about a month ago and it actually went quite well in my opinion, but didnt here back from them so I assumed I didnt make an impression, and then lo and behold, I get a phone call last week asking if I was still interested in working for them. Of course I said yes. But Im very SCARED and unusually calm at the same time. Its a bit confusing. Im really really hoping my anxiety calms the heck down and it all goes well. Im fighting to get out of my comfort zone, but I wont lie, its hard. But I have to stay positive. Who knows,it might end up being fun...I doubt it but you never know.

NOT AGAIN....

Ive got that ooooolllllllldddddd feeling back. And it aint good. I will try and elaborate when I get back.

That strange feeling.

Man. I don NOT like anxiety. Not in the slightest. Or any type of worrying for that matter. It can make me feel strange and is amazing(not in a good way)the kind of effect it can have on your body. I haven't felt like this in a while. Like I've said in the past, its so easy to forget about the 'madness' when your life seems to be running smoothly. The slightest change in life can make the smallest tasks a bit of a struggle. I had to pray a little just to calm my nerves. I always forget what a positive feeling it can bring. Bad anticipation is a bitch!!!!!! How does a laid back guy all of a sudden learn how to worry?? It shouldn't make sense. But it is what it is.

Procrastination

I really have to learn to kick this habit in the butt. But its like crack. (I just took a second glance at what I wrote and read BUTT CRACK. Its not that funny but it made me smile.)

Feeling a little weird

I dont know what it is but I do feel a little nuts. Maybe its a small dose of random anxiety. Whatever it is its strange and not very nice at the moment. It could be that Im really tired. I dont know. Had a couple of random thoughts of me just wanting to scream. I think I may need to get me some rest. Im just remebering how a couple of days ago I felt so calm and relaxed. Like I was at peace. But no two days can be the same.