Tuesday night/Wednesday morning rant

My eyeballs feel cold. Im tired. I feel a little cloudy headed. I cant seem to cry although I probably want to. Its almost feels like having a bad cold minus the coughing, sneezing and temperature. And it sucks. I always always ALWAYS seem to forget that I have a problem every time Im doing good. Like this whole madness will disappear forever. But Im actually starting to realise it doesn't work like that.

The past month has been a little crap for me. I was feeling really low. Really sad. Probably lasted about a week. It was similar to when I first went through the whole depression. It was a bit scary for me as its not a feeling you want knocking on your door too often. But then it seemed to have disappeared. Thane I went through the hole anxious stage. I think I started to panic about what I was going to do with myself. I had a new job, which I surprisingly enjoyed but it was only temporary. It ended at the end of September. Even thought I dont like to admit it, I think that could be one of the reasons I started feeling down. On top of that we have no money in the house and it sucks. One by one all my siblings are moving out from our home and now the council want us out. I have no real savings and I have to look out for my mother as well as try to hold myself together. And who wants to e homeless? I dont know how things are going to work out but I have to have hope. Like I thats it. I have no other choice. But its hard. I know compared to other people, my struggles/obstacles are nothing, but that doesn't mean it isnt difficult. I worried as heck!! All I can do is pray, try and be positive and be patient, but its hard sometimes. Especially when it all takes a toll on you physically. Like for the whole of yesterday and today I just feel mentally and physically weird (although I did feel like this last week and was surprisingly active with getting stuff done. But not so today). That cloud over your head, the weight you feel at the front of your head, its just plain weird. And GUILT. I will always feel guilty for the things I should have done as an older brother and son. Its so hard to change. I admire people who can. I just want to be a good person. But its difficult.

I theres anyone reading this and confused by what I've written don't panic. Sometimes I just need to rant and get things of my chest. And it actually feels good. Even if it doesn't last.

SAD AND PISSED!!!!!

Man do I feel down. What should have been a good night a couple of days ago ended up being CRAP. Like REALLY CRAP, and yesterday I started doing some press ups and after 10 minutes experienced a strange tight feeling around my neck and a lack of oxygen. It wasn't even strenuous. I had to sit down for a bit. All those old feelings all coming back in a space of a couple of days. IM PISSED OFF!!!!! And Im upset.  I almost want to cry. But I HAVE MADE A VOW TO MYSELF NOT TO LET THESE THINGS GET ME DOWN AND TO KEEP STRIVING!!!! But damn I still want to cry. Even if its just a little bit. But I think the real problem lies in me stressing that Im nowhere where I want to be in life and I have been trying my best. I hate to write this but sometimes it makes me feel like Im wasting my time. Everyone seems to be passing me by with there successes and Im moving very very slowly.

All of a sudden I feel a little better for writing this all down. But just a little.

That old feeling when you start a new job...

I start a new job tomorrow (well technically today in about 10 hours) and I have to say I have never felt so calm and yet so secretly scared in my life. I haven't had a proper job in a bit over 2 years. I left my older job in hopes of trying something new but it didnt work out as planed and now I need money. I had the interview for this new position about a month ago and it actually went quite well in my opinion, but didnt here back from them so I assumed I didnt make an impression, and then lo and behold, I get a phone call last week asking if I was still interested in working for them. Of course I said yes. But Im very SCARED and unusually calm at the same time. Its a bit confusing. Im really really hoping my anxiety calms the heck down and it all goes well. Im fighting to get out of my comfort zone, but I wont lie, its hard. But I have to stay positive. Who knows,it might end up being fun...I doubt it but you never know.

NOT AGAIN....

Ive got that ooooolllllllldddddd feeling back. And it aint good. I will try and elaborate when I get back.

That strange feeling.

Man. I don NOT like anxiety. Not in the slightest. Or any type of worrying for that matter. It can make me feel strange and is amazing(not in a good way)the kind of effect it can have on your body. I haven't felt like this in a while. Like I've said in the past, its so easy to forget about the 'madness' when your life seems to be running smoothly. The slightest change in life can make the smallest tasks a bit of a struggle. I had to pray a little just to calm my nerves. I always forget what a positive feeling it can bring. Bad anticipation is a bitch!!!!!! How does a laid back guy all of a sudden learn how to worry?? It shouldn't make sense. But it is what it is.

Procrastination

I really have to learn to kick this habit in the butt. But its like crack. (I just took a second glance at what I wrote and read BUTT CRACK. Its not that funny but it made me smile.)

Feeling a little weird

I dont know what it is but I do feel a little nuts. Maybe its a small dose of random anxiety. Whatever it is its strange and not very nice at the moment. It could be that Im really tired. I dont know. Had a couple of random thoughts of me just wanting to scream. I think I may need to get me some rest. Im just remebering how a couple of days ago I felt so calm and relaxed. Like I was at peace. But no two days can be the same.

The good bad guy

Im sitting here in the heat in the dark. Wondering how the heck I have become an enemy to a close one. Believe me when I say that was never my intention and nor will it ever be. But since this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have become alot slower in making movements to bennifts mine and everyone else's life around me. My confidence is not the same. And I am the naturally a CHAMPION PROCRASTINATOR. I need to change. I need to find a part time job and do what I need to do to help start my career (which is going very slowly) on the side. The tension of me still living in this house is IMMENSE. I know I've more than outstayed my welcome. It sucks when you make a plan to change your life and it doesnt go the way you want it. Im not trying to complain too muc. Im still hopeful (which is crazy. I just really need that lucky brake. I really want to be the one to provide for my family. I want EVERYONE to be happy. I never signed up to be nobody's enemy.

Dance away the blues

I've been feeling a little low for a couple of days. A friend made a comment yesterday. It was said in jest and its not the first time hes said it but last night it really made me feel shit. The dude is a bit of a comedian annd would NEVER say anything to hurt me. But because of my own personal guilt it really touched home. I sent him a tex about how I feel and he texed me back with a big apology which I knew he would anyway. So. Tonight I have decided to go out by my self to a bar and hopefully get lucky and and do the robot on the dance floor.

:-(

Forever the enemy. Thats me.

That on and off feeling

I woke up or more was awoken this morning to a voice asking if I had done the dishes(dont ask. I live in a crazy house). So you can imagine how moody I was at 6am in the morning with scrubbing the plates down with fairy liquid. Not happy. Usually I calm down because it can be quite therapeutic. But I was in strangely sad mood. My mood did get better after I had some more sleep but for the whole day I have been switching from being ok to feeling slightly sad. And Ive had this little "electric" feeling going through my body. Something I have experienced in the past. All in all I feeling horrible but Im trying to be patient.
I even remember a couple of days ago sleeping with my headphones on listing to a bit of music. It wasnt anything to soppy, but I ended up crying as I woke up. The first thing that came to mind was "Oh shit. Not again". I really want all this to be old news but here I am a year later back on this blog rambling again. But one thing I must say is that Im terribly frightened about the future. Not without reason and not just for me. I feel like there may be some drastic world wide changes. Hopefully Im very wrong. And I really hope my best friend is ok too. I know hes going through quite a bit. Im sure its depression. But hopefully we will all be alright (InshAllah).

Peace.

I came back from a bar tonight. Wasn't the best night but you cant always get lucky. Anyhow on the way home I decided to miss my stop and go to the petrol station for some snacks. I walked back home from the station instead of taking the bus. It was a beautiful slow walk. No one about. Then it occurred to me how peaceful life is when everyone is asleep. No bickering or quarrelling of any kind. Just peace. Between 2-5am. Just peace. Always the best time in the day (or night). Sometimes I wish it would last. But thats just wishful thinking. I wish there was peace in the world and all the suffering and greed came to an end. But unfortunately we don't live in Disney land. The madness will start all over again once someone's alarm clock goes off.

.

A weird day.

Anxiety strikes back!

Ive just come back home from a little walk. I tried to book an appointment with the doctor because of a crazy cough Ive had for almost 3 months and because I cant hear jack. Im assuming its one of those blocked sinus things but it also doesnt help that I have a crazy obsession of shoving things down my ear just because it feels good. Like I said, crazy. I also hate the fact that it feels like Im getting a bad case of anxiety again. Its the kind of one thats a bit hard to control. Maybe because I havent been sleeping well this week and the week before last and have been feeling very lethargic. Not good when you know you have things to do. And did I mention I have hayfever?

A good day?

Some days I can take being a little different. Strangely enough it can be amazing and makes you really appreciate it when your blessed with a normal day. But there are some days when it JUST SUCKS!!! On a good day its so easy to forget that your a little different. Its almost as if there was nothing wrong with you in the first place. But when the good feel shows signs of ending you can also forget that you've been through it all before and thats when panic teams up with worry and before you know it you feel like your back to square one.

NOTE TO SELF: NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. EVER!!!!!

;-)

MISLED

I feel hurt. I feel like I have been misled and just left in the dumps. Some people are really fucked up. I Feel like the girl I started liking led me on. I really feel like shit. And I know she went home with some guy I happen to know and slept with him. If it was any other girl I wouldn't give a damn. But the thing is I kinda do. Ill be honest in saying I haven't done anything with her. Not even a kiss. But sometimes you just click with someone and thats it. I know she liked me and the feeling was mutual. People who didn't even know us assumed so too. And yes it is DUMB for me to fall for a woman I haven't even known for that long at all but I didnt ask for it to happen. It just did. And like a loser I let my guard down. NEVER AGAIN. She gave me so many signs and hints but When I like someone I turn from a man to a boy and become shy. And Im not even a shy dude!!! Theres so many things I want to say but wont go intot too much detail. It seems that women really don't like good guys. Man this feels so shit! Its over before anything even started. And for some fucked up reason I miss her slightly. Man I sound like a dick.

Watch what you say

Sometimes its best to just SHUT YOUR MOUTH. I said something today which I probably shouldn't have. But I didnt say it out of spite at all. Everything I said was true. But Sometimes I dont like to bring things up in fear of hurting someone. But When your provoked for whatever reason patience can fly out the window and out comes everything thats on your mind. But what baffles me is that she didnt get what I was trying to say at all. Its like she heard every word I said but didnt. And at the end of it all not only do I feel TERRIBLE, Im still also in the wrong which to me doesnt make sense.

But I guess shes going through her own struggles and me being the silent type with little communication skills around her doesnt help.

But I am sorry.

Anxious and broke

Man I have been away from this blog for a while. Every time Ive had the urge to write, there's been a family member around.

I'm feeling a bit anxious because Im trying to find a job. Ive just enquired about doing a market stall and for some reason feel a strangely anxious. I think its more that Im broke than anything else. I need money. My family need money. I need to move out. Im getting on my families nerves and vice versa. Oh yes and I have very little money. I know, I know, appreciate what you little you have. And I honestly do. But its just sucks being poor . Especially for this long.

Right. I have to find a way to calm this anxiety ASAP. Its feels like the kind I've had in the past and thats not good.

Isnt it strange when you go through a feeling of normality for a very long while and forget that you have a problem and then WHAM, it comes back?! Not good. Not good at all!

quick rant

Sometimes even when things are going well, life can really suck.
I have to watch a movie to cheer me up.

I've noticed...

This is just an observation. Ive been going out for to a few bars for the past couple of months. Yes I do come home late and miss out on sleep. But Ive started to notice something. I'm the type of guy who loves to dance. Especially when a good tune comes on. Id even dance by myself. The thing is, whenever I come back home from a bar after going wild on the dance floor, I get this feeling of energy and happiness. Its like my body feels rejuvenated. Even the air smells better and this is no word of a lie. Its not like I feel euphoric or anything .But its a cool feeling. So my guess is that all that dancing must have the same effect as exercising. It has to be endorphins being released during 'exercise'. Its a really good feeling. And from this maybe I should try and eat right and start exercising again. But this here's the problem: I can dance all night for 3 hours and feel great, but if I over exercise for over 20 minutes I then start getting exercise induced asthma which I find really weird. So why is that? And how do I sort that out?. I'm going to have to start taking responsibility for my mind body and soul and start doing some research!