SORRY I CANT THINK OF A TITLE

Im a in bit of a mood today. I dont feel extremely terrible, just a bit sad. Yesterday I felt my old feelings of fear creeping back up. Not nice. Especially when your on top of the world. The day before that I was unnecessarily anxious. Breathing was difficult. Just when you think your getting better, your not. Life realy isnt what we...or even I imagined it would be as a kid. My phsycologist is trying to refer me to see a professional at a real mental hospital. She says it will last about a year if I decide to go through with it. Man! I dont know if Im looking forward to it or not, but deep down I know I need help. To all those who suffer with some kind of mental health problem, I clap my hands to you. I dont know how you manage both that and life at the same time.

Ive got a few friends who know about me and my depression/anxiety/or whatever and a few out of the bunch of them have confidentially come out to me and told me they have been going through similar things as me. Both have gone through the therapy/counseling/citalopram/medication thing. One in particular even wrote about being hospitalized. And she still struggles but has come out strong and is amongst the group of friends who holds down a professional job. I really admire her. Looking at her and chatting to her you would NEVER guess she has a problem. Its a random thing to say but I really really really(ok enuff with the really business) wish I met someone like her. I would love to meet a girl who loves me and my madness and who understands exactly what im going through. But at the moment things seem impossible.

QUESTIONS

Will I ever get better? Is it still possible to to get some peace in here? Will I ever defeat fear? Will I ever be comfortable with myself again? Will I ever be able to lead a near enough "normal life"? Will I ever get married? Despite all the mental mayhem can I still persue my dreams? Will I continue to be in financial hardship? Will all this expiate my sins? Will I ever have kids? Will I ever be able t suport myself with ease? Will I ever find a wife? Lets just hope the future starts getting bright real soon INSHALLAH!!!

AN ALTERNATIVE TO ANTIDEPRESSENT MEDICATIONS PERHAPS?

Im not saying that this is the answer to my prayers, but anythings worth a try right?

CITALOPRAM TAKE 2...

I think Iv been on citalopram for almost two weeks. I don't know if there helping me or not. But I feel awful! It was bearable for a couple of days then after that, not so good. I want to get off them but thats what Ive done in the past. This time I'm trying to stay committed to them. It could be that Im just experiencing side effects which may go away after my body gets used to it in its system. This is what a friend told me, who is also on the same medication. I cant believe how drowsy the meds have been making me feel. And on top of that I get extremely hungry. These meds really make me feel worse. Almost like the exact same feelings I had when I first experienced depression and anxiety. Not good. I fel asleep on the tills at work this week(could also be due to the fact I went out to a club two days before and didnt sleep till 11am the next day. Man im not as young as I used to be.). I couldent help myself. Usualy Im able to shake off the tired feeling and get on with it. But not this time.
I was even ment to go see a mate today but over slept, then jumped back into bed again. And Im still in my work clothes! I thought these meds were ment to help!?
Now I remember the reason why I failed to continue with my other antidepressants in the first place.

Well done New Zealand

Ive been looking for this commercial from New Zealand everywhere. I stumbled upon it randomly early this year and was very impressed. Its ashame we dont have ads like this where im from. Could make such a big difference.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One word of advice to anyone suffering from ANY  type of mental illness...SLEEP WELL!!!! Make sure you sleep at an appropriate time and for at least 7-8 hours! I did'nt last night and I've just awoken trying to catch up with missed sleep and feel AWFUL!!! And on top of that I had a disturbing dream which has not helped at all. But saying that Im starting to feel better very slowly...!

"STUMBLEINE"

Ok I haven't posted anything in a little while but all of a sudden I feel the need to. Why? Its a bit silly and not that important but...Il type it any way. I went to bed really late last night and this morning I feel absolutely knackered! Cream crackered I tell you! Not in the best of moods but ok. So I start surfing on the net and have my itunes on shuffle. Then I come across an art site that leads to an artist flickr page called Mike Lay. He has some pretty cool stuff. But then he has some other sites and is very honest about having a rough time at the moment. I felt a bit sorry for him. And like his work. But anyway whilst I just started reading about his thoughts, my itunes throws at me Smashing Pumpkins -"Stumbleine" (in which I quickly leave on repeat). All of a sudden my room lights up slightly from behind me and memories of a certain era come flashing back. It was the combination of that particular Smashing Pumpkins song, the sun light on the desktop I work at and possibly reading bits of Mike Lays journal that brought back the feelings of my art college foundation days. For 5 minutes I remembered how "normal" things used to be. How different the world and I was. How life made me feel. And for that small moment in time, the 15 minutes given to me to reminisce, the reflection of the suns light that decorated itself on my wall and most importantly the feelings I was comforted with like an old love from the past was beautiful.