WHAT IM LISTENING TO ON REPEAT ON iTUNES

Ash- Someday

1 YEAR LATER...

Just felt the need to make a note to myself that its been 1 year and a bit since my whole mental status got a bit too serious. To be honest I really didnt think I was gonna be able to cope. I am geniuonly supprised a year has gone by so quickley and that I kinda made my way through it. I feel like things have improved and in the same breath have got worse.

STILL CANT THINK OF A TITLE

I actually feel a little better for writng the post below...but just a LITTLE!

SORRY I CANT THINK OF A TITLE

Im a in bit of a mood today. I dont feel extremely terrible, just a bit sad. Yesterday I felt my old feelings of fear creeping back up. Not nice. Especially when your on top of the world. The day before that I was unnecessarily anxious. Breathing was difficult. Just when you think your getting better, your not. Life realy isnt what we...or even I imagined it would be as a kid. My phsycologist is trying to refer me to see a professional at a real mental hospital. She says it will last about a year if I decide to go through with it. Man! I dont know if Im looking forward to it or not, but deep down I know I need help. To all those who suffer with some kind of mental health problem, I clap my hands to you. I dont know how you manage both that and life at the same time.

Ive got a few friends who know about me and my depression/anxiety/or whatever and a few out of the bunch of them have confidentially come out to me and told me they have been going through similar things as me. Both have gone through the therapy/counseling/citalopram/medication thing. One in particular even wrote about being hospitalized. And she still struggles but has come out strong and is amongst the group of friends who holds down a professional job. I really admire her. Looking at her and chatting to her you would NEVER guess she has a problem. Its a random thing to say but I really really really(ok enuff with the really business) wish I met someone like her. I would love to meet a girl who loves me and my madness and who understands exactly what im going through. But at the moment things seem impossible.

QUESTIONS

Will I ever get better? Is it still possible to to get some peace in here? Will I ever defeat fear? Will I ever be comfortable with myself again? Will I ever be able to lead a near enough "normal life"? Will I ever get married? Despite all the mental mayhem can I still persue my dreams? Will I continue to be in financial hardship? Will all this expiate my sins? Will I ever have kids? Will I ever be able t suport myself with ease? Will I ever find a wife? Lets just hope the future starts getting bright real soon INSHALLAH!!!

AN ALTERNATIVE TO ANTIDEPRESSENT MEDICATIONS PERHAPS?

Im not saying that this is the answer to my prayers, but anythings worth a try right?

CITALOPRAM TAKE 2...

I think Iv been on citalopram for almost two weeks. I don't know if there helping me or not. But I feel awful! It was bearable for a couple of days then after that, not so good. I want to get off them but thats what Ive done in the past. This time I'm trying to stay committed to them. It could be that Im just experiencing side effects which may go away after my body gets used to it in its system. This is what a friend told me, who is also on the same medication. I cant believe how drowsy the meds have been making me feel. And on top of that I get extremely hungry. These meds really make me feel worse. Almost like the exact same feelings I had when I first experienced depression and anxiety. Not good. I fel asleep on the tills at work this week(could also be due to the fact I went out to a club two days before and didnt sleep till 11am the next day. Man im not as young as I used to be.). I couldent help myself. Usualy Im able to shake off the tired feeling and get on with it. But not this time.
I was even ment to go see a mate today but over slept, then jumped back into bed again. And Im still in my work clothes! I thought these meds were ment to help!?
Now I remember the reason why I failed to continue with my other antidepressants in the first place.