YESTERDAY EARLY THIS MORNING

Stayed over at one of my good mates house. We had to get some stuff done for a project. We did a bit then ended up talking about girls and ex girlfriends. One word of advise: DONT DO BUISNESS WITH FRIENDS!!! You wont get anything done!!! Any way we were watching TV and a programme was on about the negative and positive effects of canibiss. As soon as they went to the topic of mental ilness I could feel my anxiety & panic kicking in. I hate that. Trigger words get on my bloody nerves. Its not as bad s it used to be but its still gets me. There used to be a time where when ever I heard or read the words "mental ilness" "crazy" and especially the word "ANXIETY" I would start getting dizzy light headed and sometimes out of breath. The only thing that was able to calm me down a little was eating. Strange times!
Anyway my mate went to sleep and I was still on the computer untill I started getting tired too. I tried to sleep but forget about it. I mean I did sleep but it was a disturbed sleep. I kept waking up and having funny(but not scary)dreams. I had alot on my mind and once in a blue moon whenever that happens to me sleeping becomes an enemy. I just cant do it. I started thinking about what it would be like living alone. I was really over thinking. I dont mean to do it but I do it quite alot. I was also thinking about the time I went with my friends outside London staying at a hotel where I was having the same problem sleeping. But in that case I felt like I was silently going insane. That was not nice at all.

oidf jnetl?????

Im struggling at the moment. Just woke up and feel dazed. Have some work that needs to be done by yesterday and im hungry. Oh and I have the whole "fear" thing settling in. Sorry about the title!!

Simply...

...scared and sad and listening to the sounds of rain and crickets on youtube.

SAD LONELY DUDE

Ive been having a roller coaster ride of emotions for the past two days. Up then down then up agiain then straight back down. Its been more of a fear of the futrue type of thing. Wondering how Im gonna cope on my own. These thoughts are really two hard to bear sometimes. I feel like im not going to survive. But the odd thing about me is that somtetimes when Ive had somthing to eat I feel like I come back to my senses. Very trange I know. But I cant explain it. But right now I feel a real sense of sadness. But this is a normal sadness. But I feel sad none the less. Why? I feel like my life is a bit of a waist. My friends are slowly but surely coupling up and taking things to the next level. They all seem to be moving in with each other, getting married and most importantly for me having children. And im really happy for all of them. I wish them ALL the best insAllah(God willing!). But I feel left out. Like theres nothing for me. I made contact with a girl I used to know a long time ago. Her sister came round where I work and gave me her number and told me to get in contact with her. This girl im talking about was AMAZING!!The first and only time Ive ever come close to falling in love with someone. She already has a kid and just had another recently with a guy that used to go to the same college. Like I said Im very happy for everyone. Even them. But damn. I wish that guy was me. I wish they were my kids. Of all the lady friends Ive ever met I would have loved her to be in my life. And I know and except that thats just the way life goes. But it hurts. Instead I get to be a grown lonely "crazy" dude. Im fed up. I just want a normal life like everyone else. I want to fall in love and get married. I want to have kids. I feel like im going to die unlucky. But I dont want to.

Madly Stuck.

I know what I want from life and I know which direction I would like it to go. But I really cant see it happening at the moment. I feel stuck crazy and confussed. I dont understand that this whole "madness" should come at a time when I feel most creative and determined in this part of my life.

A note before I leave for work

I feel $h!+ dazed and confussed right now. Really dazed and confussed!!!! Almost sick without feeling sick!!!

"NICE DAYS"

I woke up to a bit of nice sunshine this morning wich was pretty nice.A bit chilly, but nice. And I had a day off work which was a bonus. Got a phone call from an old lady friend (yes just a friend) from uni. Just spent the morning with her shoping during the boxing day sales. I didnt get anything special. Just a scketch pad. But anyway, when we arrived at the car park for the first time in a very long time I felt normal. I havent felt like this for a while. I felt like I didnt have a problem. It was realy nice. I wish it would last but I know how Im like. I cant predict somtimes whether Im going to feel good or not. Its a strange and scary world Im living in. But anyway I really would like more of these "nice days". Its like winning the lottery. Its nice to be at peace. It makes me really appreciate it when it comes. It makes me think how much we take for granted. Just the very simple things in life is a blessing. And as tough as things can be im thankful for it.