Anxiety strikes back!

Ive just come back home from a little walk. I tried to book an appointment with the doctor because of a crazy cough Ive had for almost 3 months and because I cant hear jack. Im assuming its one of those blocked sinus things but it also doesnt help that I have a crazy obsession of shoving things down my ear just because it feels good. Like I said, crazy. I also hate the fact that it feels like Im getting a bad case of anxiety again. Its the kind of one thats a bit hard to control. Maybe because I havent been sleeping well this week and the week before last and have been feeling very lethargic. Not good when you know you have things to do. And did I mention I have hayfever?

A good day?

Some days I can take being a little different. Strangely enough it can be amazing and makes you really appreciate it when your blessed with a normal day. But there are some days when it JUST SUCKS!!! On a good day its so easy to forget that your a little different. Its almost as if there was nothing wrong with you in the first place. But when the good feel shows signs of ending you can also forget that you've been through it all before and thats when panic teams up with worry and before you know it you feel like your back to square one.

NOTE TO SELF: NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. EVER!!!!!

;-)

MISLED

I feel hurt. I feel like I have been misled and just left in the dumps. Some people are really fucked up. I Feel like the girl I started liking led me on. I really feel like shit. And I know she went home with some guy I happen to know and slept with him. If it was any other girl I wouldn't give a damn. But the thing is I kinda do. Ill be honest in saying I haven't done anything with her. Not even a kiss. But sometimes you just click with someone and thats it. I know she liked me and the feeling was mutual. People who didn't even know us assumed so too. And yes it is DUMB for me to fall for a woman I haven't even known for that long at all but I didnt ask for it to happen. It just did. And like a loser I let my guard down. NEVER AGAIN. She gave me so many signs and hints but When I like someone I turn from a man to a boy and become shy. And Im not even a shy dude!!! Theres so many things I want to say but wont go intot too much detail. It seems that women really don't like good guys. Man this feels so shit! Its over before anything even started. And for some fucked up reason I miss her slightly. Man I sound like a dick.

Watch what you say

Sometimes its best to just SHUT YOUR MOUTH. I said something today which I probably shouldn't have. But I didnt say it out of spite at all. Everything I said was true. But Sometimes I dont like to bring things up in fear of hurting someone. But When your provoked for whatever reason patience can fly out the window and out comes everything thats on your mind. But what baffles me is that she didnt get what I was trying to say at all. Its like she heard every word I said but didnt. And at the end of it all not only do I feel TERRIBLE, Im still also in the wrong which to me doesnt make sense.

But I guess shes going through her own struggles and me being the silent type with little communication skills around her doesnt help.

But I am sorry.

Anxious and broke

Man I have been away from this blog for a while. Every time Ive had the urge to write, there's been a family member around.

I'm feeling a bit anxious because Im trying to find a job. Ive just enquired about doing a market stall and for some reason feel a strangely anxious. I think its more that Im broke than anything else. I need money. My family need money. I need to move out. Im getting on my families nerves and vice versa. Oh yes and I have very little money. I know, I know, appreciate what you little you have. And I honestly do. But its just sucks being poor . Especially for this long.

Right. I have to find a way to calm this anxiety ASAP. Its feels like the kind I've had in the past and thats not good.

Isnt it strange when you go through a feeling of normality for a very long while and forget that you have a problem and then WHAM, it comes back?! Not good. Not good at all!

quick rant

Sometimes even when things are going well, life can really suck.
I have to watch a movie to cheer me up.

I've noticed...

This is just an observation. Ive been going out for to a few bars for the past couple of months. Yes I do come home late and miss out on sleep. But Ive started to notice something. I'm the type of guy who loves to dance. Especially when a good tune comes on. Id even dance by myself. The thing is, whenever I come back home from a bar after going wild on the dance floor, I get this feeling of energy and happiness. Its like my body feels rejuvenated. Even the air smells better and this is no word of a lie. Its not like I feel euphoric or anything .But its a cool feeling. So my guess is that all that dancing must have the same effect as exercising. It has to be endorphins being released during 'exercise'. Its a really good feeling. And from this maybe I should try and eat right and start exercising again. But this here's the problem: I can dance all night for 3 hours and feel great, but if I over exercise for over 20 minutes I then start getting exercise induced asthma which I find really weird. So why is that? And how do I sort that out?. I'm going to have to start taking responsibility for my mind body and soul and start doing some research!