SAD AND PISSED!!!!!

Man do I feel down. What should have been a good night a couple of days ago ended up being CRAP. Like REALLY CRAP, and yesterday I started doing some press ups and after 10 minutes experienced a strange tight feeling around my neck and a lack of oxygen. It wasn't even strenuous. I had to sit down for a bit. All those old feelings all coming back in a space of a couple of days. IM PISSED OFF!!!!! And Im upset.  I almost want to cry. But I HAVE MADE A VOW TO MYSELF NOT TO LET THESE THINGS GET ME DOWN AND TO KEEP STRIVING!!!! But damn I still want to cry. Even if its just a little bit. But I think the real problem lies in me stressing that Im nowhere where I want to be in life and I have been trying my best. I hate to write this but sometimes it makes me feel like Im wasting my time. Everyone seems to be passing me by with there successes and Im moving very very slowly.

All of a sudden I feel a little better for writing this all down. But just a little.

That old feeling when you start a new job...

I start a new job tomorrow (well technically today in about 10 hours) and I have to say I have never felt so calm and yet so secretly scared in my life. I haven't had a proper job in a bit over 2 years. I left my older job in hopes of trying something new but it didnt work out as planed and now I need money. I had the interview for this new position about a month ago and it actually went quite well in my opinion, but didnt here back from them so I assumed I didnt make an impression, and then lo and behold, I get a phone call last week asking if I was still interested in working for them. Of course I said yes. But Im very SCARED and unusually calm at the same time. Its a bit confusing. Im really really hoping my anxiety calms the heck down and it all goes well. Im fighting to get out of my comfort zone, but I wont lie, its hard. But I have to stay positive. Who knows,it might end up being fun...I doubt it but you never know.

NOT AGAIN....

Ive got that ooooolllllllldddddd feeling back. And it aint good. I will try and elaborate when I get back.

That strange feeling.

Man. I don NOT like anxiety. Not in the slightest. Or any type of worrying for that matter. It can make me feel strange and is amazing(not in a good way)the kind of effect it can have on your body. I haven't felt like this in a while. Like I've said in the past, its so easy to forget about the 'madness' when your life seems to be running smoothly. The slightest change in life can make the smallest tasks a bit of a struggle. I had to pray a little just to calm my nerves. I always forget what a positive feeling it can bring. Bad anticipation is a bitch!!!!!! How does a laid back guy all of a sudden learn how to worry?? It shouldn't make sense. But it is what it is.

Procrastination

I really have to learn to kick this habit in the butt. But its like crack. (I just took a second glance at what I wrote and read BUTT CRACK. Its not that funny but it made me smile.)

Feeling a little weird

I dont know what it is but I do feel a little nuts. Maybe its a small dose of random anxiety. Whatever it is its strange and not very nice at the moment. It could be that Im really tired. I dont know. Had a couple of random thoughts of me just wanting to scream. I think I may need to get me some rest. Im just remebering how a couple of days ago I felt so calm and relaxed. Like I was at peace. But no two days can be the same.

The good bad guy

Im sitting here in the heat in the dark. Wondering how the heck I have become an enemy to a close one. Believe me when I say that was never my intention and nor will it ever be. But since this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have become alot slower in making movements to bennifts mine and everyone else's life around me. My confidence is not the same. And I am the naturally a CHAMPION PROCRASTINATOR. I need to change. I need to find a part time job and do what I need to do to help start my career (which is going very slowly) on the side. The tension of me still living in this house is IMMENSE. I know I've more than outstayed my welcome. It sucks when you make a plan to change your life and it doesnt go the way you want it. Im not trying to complain too muc. Im still hopeful (which is crazy. I just really need that lucky brake. I really want to be the one to provide for my family. I want EVERYONE to be happy. I never signed up to be nobody's enemy.