The good bad guy

Im sitting here in the heat in the dark. Wondering how the heck I have become an enemy to a close one. Believe me when I say that was never my intention and nor will it ever be. But since this whole depression and anxiety thing, I have become alot slower in making movements to bennifts mine and everyone else's life around me. My confidence is not the same. And I am the naturally a CHAMPION PROCRASTINATOR. I need to change. I need to find a part time job and do what I need to do to help start my career (which is going very slowly) on the side. The tension of me still living in this house is IMMENSE. I know I've more than outstayed my welcome. It sucks when you make a plan to change your life and it doesnt go the way you want it. Im not trying to complain too muc. Im still hopeful (which is crazy. I just really need that lucky brake. I really want to be the one to provide for my family. I want EVERYONE to be happy. I never signed up to be nobody's enemy.

Dance away the blues

I've been feeling a little low for a couple of days. A friend made a comment yesterday. It was said in jest and its not the first time hes said it but last night it really made me feel shit. The dude is a bit of a comedian annd would NEVER say anything to hurt me. But because of my own personal guilt it really touched home. I sent him a tex about how I feel and he texed me back with a big apology which I knew he would anyway. So. Tonight I have decided to go out by my self to a bar and hopefully get lucky and and do the robot on the dance floor.

:-(

Forever the enemy. Thats me.

That on and off feeling

I woke up or more was awoken this morning to a voice asking if I had done the dishes(dont ask. I live in a crazy house). So you can imagine how moody I was at 6am in the morning with scrubbing the plates down with fairy liquid. Not happy. Usually I calm down because it can be quite therapeutic. But I was in strangely sad mood. My mood did get better after I had some more sleep but for the whole day I have been switching from being ok to feeling slightly sad. And Ive had this little "electric" feeling going through my body. Something I have experienced in the past. All in all I feeling horrible but Im trying to be patient.
I even remember a couple of days ago sleeping with my headphones on listing to a bit of music. It wasnt anything to soppy, but I ended up crying as I woke up. The first thing that came to mind was "Oh shit. Not again". I really want all this to be old news but here I am a year later back on this blog rambling again. But one thing I must say is that Im terribly frightened about the future. Not without reason and not just for me. I feel like there may be some drastic world wide changes. Hopefully Im very wrong. And I really hope my best friend is ok too. I know hes going through quite a bit. Im sure its depression. But hopefully we will all be alright (InshAllah).

Peace.

I came back from a bar tonight. Wasn't the best night but you cant always get lucky. Anyhow on the way home I decided to miss my stop and go to the petrol station for some snacks. I walked back home from the station instead of taking the bus. It was a beautiful slow walk. No one about. Then it occurred to me how peaceful life is when everyone is asleep. No bickering or quarrelling of any kind. Just peace. Between 2-5am. Just peace. Always the best time in the day (or night). Sometimes I wish it would last. But thats just wishful thinking. I wish there was peace in the world and all the suffering and greed came to an end. But unfortunately we don't live in Disney land. The madness will start all over again once someone's alarm clock goes off.

.

A weird day.

Anxiety strikes back!

Ive just come back home from a little walk. I tried to book an appointment with the doctor because of a crazy cough Ive had for almost 3 months and because I cant hear jack. Im assuming its one of those blocked sinus things but it also doesnt help that I have a crazy obsession of shoving things down my ear just because it feels good. Like I said, crazy. I also hate the fact that it feels like Im getting a bad case of anxiety again. Its the kind of one thats a bit hard to control. Maybe because I havent been sleeping well this week and the week before last and have been feeling very lethargic. Not good when you know you have things to do. And did I mention I have hayfever?