A Beautiful Mind?

Ive been "OK" for a little while now. No miracles or nothing like that. Just surviving. That was until yesterday. Every thing was going fine until sometime in the afternoon. I had fallen asleep after watching, or at least attempting to watch "A Beautiful Mind". I was knackerd!! And possibly cold. I had a very disturbed sleep! I twitched quite alot(which is embarrassing) and had this sort of "out of control" feeling! All this whilst still asleep. I woke up feeling a bit spaced out! And today Ive felt a residue of yesterdays madness. Ive just been feeling mentaly and physicaly sick. My concentration has been a bit blurred, my arms and legs have felt like they've been on fire and my nerves started taking control again! All this had realy amde me feel realy down and I havent been feeling depressed for a while. Like I've said before, if it aint one thing then its somthing else!

....

Its 1:16 in the morning and Im feeling like absolute crap! I should realy try and get some sleep but Im too bloody stuburn!

THE BIG BROWN LETTER

I went to see my Doctor a couple of weeks ago to tell him about my current situation and me possibly being bipolar. I saw him type something up on his screen to send to some kind of phsycologist. That kind of worried me. I cant believe I actually went to seek professional help (although Ive been to see counselors a numerous amount of time with short term success). He said he would send the letter and then they would get in touch with me. And what did I see when I got home from work? A big brown letter with a second class stamp with my name written on it. In Biro!! I knew what it was straight away. And it says I have to phone them within seven days too make an appointment. I'm $#!+ing bricks!

STILL NO IMPROVEMENT

What the hell has happend to me? Im confussed. I dont know how on earth im going to survive this madness! How do you survive this? What am I suffering from? And why??? Its effecting my work and social life! Ive been a hermit for almost a week and a half. Im ignoring all my calls. My MSN is switched to offine. Im embracing the night time and hate the day time. What am I some kind of vampire or something? And why is it when I feel Im almost doing well, somthing strange happens to me that brings me right back down again.
And why am I so petrified of the future?

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I just feel like stoping.

AND FINALLY SOME CALM...

Its 2:04 in the morning. Why do I finaly feel so calm? Is it because im tired? Because I actauly did my last prayer earlier on? Or that nobody is awake and im free to be me? What ever the reason Allhamdulillah!!

STILL CONFUSSED

I dont know wether to scream, run, cry or just curl up in a fetus position in a corner. Im emotionaly drained and confussed. I've tried to avoid the day by just over sleeping.
Im realy trying my best to be strong. I try psych myself up to be positive and do things, but it doesnt last very long. And me listening to depressing music isnt doing me any favours either.
I feel like the two most important parts of me, my mind & body, have ganged up on me and become best friends! Imagine that! Being bullied by my own self!
If Im not crying for no reason, im crying for a reason. If im not crying, then im in some level pysical pain. If im not in pain, then im swarmed by absolute fear of ABSOLOUTLY NOTHING!
Am I the only one who understands what im going through? Is there some way of getting through this?