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One word of advice to anyone suffering from ANY  type of mental illness...SLEEP WELL!!!! Make sure you sleep at an appropriate time and for at least 7-8 hours! I did'nt last night and I've just awoken trying to catch up with missed sleep and feel AWFUL!!! And on top of that I had a disturbing dream which has not helped at all. But saying that Im starting to feel better very slowly...!

"STUMBLEINE"

Ok I haven't posted anything in a little while but all of a sudden I feel the need to. Why? Its a bit silly and not that important but...Il type it any way. I went to bed really late last night and this morning I feel absolutely knackered! Cream crackered I tell you! Not in the best of moods but ok. So I start surfing on the net and have my itunes on shuffle. Then I come across an art site that leads to an artist flickr page called Mike Lay. He has some pretty cool stuff. But then he has some other sites and is very honest about having a rough time at the moment. I felt a bit sorry for him. And like his work. But anyway whilst I just started reading about his thoughts, my itunes throws at me Smashing Pumpkins -"Stumbleine" (in which I quickly leave on repeat). All of a sudden my room lights up slightly from behind me and memories of a certain era come flashing back. It was the combination of that particular Smashing Pumpkins song, the sun light on the desktop I work at and possibly reading bits of Mike Lays journal that brought back the feelings of my art college foundation days. For 5 minutes I remembered how "normal" things used to be. How different the world and I was. How life made me feel. And for that small moment in time, the 15 minutes given to me to reminisce, the reflection of the suns light that decorated itself on my wall and most importantly the feelings I was comforted with like an old love from the past was beautiful.

A Beautiful Mind?

Ive been "OK" for a little while now. No miracles or nothing like that. Just surviving. That was until yesterday. Every thing was going fine until sometime in the afternoon. I had fallen asleep after watching, or at least attempting to watch "A Beautiful Mind". I was knackerd!! And possibly cold. I had a very disturbed sleep! I twitched quite alot(which is embarrassing) and had this sort of "out of control" feeling! All this whilst still asleep. I woke up feeling a bit spaced out! And today Ive felt a residue of yesterdays madness. Ive just been feeling mentaly and physicaly sick. My concentration has been a bit blurred, my arms and legs have felt like they've been on fire and my nerves started taking control again! All this had realy amde me feel realy down and I havent been feeling depressed for a while. Like I've said before, if it aint one thing then its somthing else!

....

Its 1:16 in the morning and Im feeling like absolute crap! I should realy try and get some sleep but Im too bloody stuburn!

THE BIG BROWN LETTER

I went to see my Doctor a couple of weeks ago to tell him about my current situation and me possibly being bipolar. I saw him type something up on his screen to send to some kind of phsycologist. That kind of worried me. I cant believe I actually went to seek professional help (although Ive been to see counselors a numerous amount of time with short term success). He said he would send the letter and then they would get in touch with me. And what did I see when I got home from work? A big brown letter with a second class stamp with my name written on it. In Biro!! I knew what it was straight away. And it says I have to phone them within seven days too make an appointment. I'm $#!+ing bricks!

STILL NO IMPROVEMENT

What the hell has happend to me? Im confussed. I dont know how on earth im going to survive this madness! How do you survive this? What am I suffering from? And why??? Its effecting my work and social life! Ive been a hermit for almost a week and a half. Im ignoring all my calls. My MSN is switched to offine. Im embracing the night time and hate the day time. What am I some kind of vampire or something? And why is it when I feel Im almost doing well, somthing strange happens to me that brings me right back down again.
And why am I so petrified of the future?

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I just feel like stoping.