In a shitty mood...

Ive been kinda cool for a little while now. No miracles have happened but things have been ok. For the past month Ive had to go and see a psychiatrist to try and delve deeper into my problems. Dont think it was much of a success. All I had was 3 weeks of DUMB questions!!! Anyway forget all that for the time being.
Right now I dont feel to good. Not the worst Ive been but crap none the less! A couple of days ago I felt I wanted to cry. Today im in a bit of a shitty mood. Maybe because I didnt sleep properly. I keep waking up early when I know I dont have work in the morning. I always feel I have to do somthing and not stay trapped in the same old rutt and routine for yet another decade. I need a good change in my life. And I want my old brain back!

How do I feel?...

...Absoloutly SHIT!!! Im the champion at making wrong decisions in life and a loser when I am alone. I think to much and it has a bad effect on me. But I canf help it.


***WARNING: HERE COMES THE SELF PITYING PART***


Why the FUCK does this have to happen to me??? Im a weak individual. I cant live like this! I need a miracle. PLEASE GOD GRANT ME A MIRACLE...EVEN IF I DONT DESERVE IT...PLEASE!?!

I'VE GOT THE FLU...

...Well more like Im trying to recover from one. Probably the longest and worse one I've had in my life. Mentaly anyhow! I've been feeling LLLOOOOOWWWWWW and negative since having this. Im back to that "Im not gonna make it" kind of thinking again. I bloody hate it. I feel NUTTY!! I wish I was joking!!! Went to work sick but missed the other two days because I didnt have the strength and really didnt want to go in. So basicaly Ive been laying low from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE in hope that period of MADNESS will soon pass over. And Im still bloody waiting! Man I dont know what to do anymore. And almost forgot...Ive sarted seeing a phsychiatrist...at a mental hospital. Too damn scared to write that in capitals!! Is it me or can phsychiatrist chat a load of SHIT?!?!? And I on top of that there getting paid to find out whats wrong with me and they cant even do that. And they still get PAID!!!! We're living in a crazy world!! No pun intended! Since I cant do this bit in the real world I'll do it in cyber space:AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ah...much better...NOT!!!!!!

Hello Goodbye

The trip to "Europe" was ok.

Times are hard.

Im going to sleep!

Here we go again on another not so great adventure...

Ok. Im going on a day trip to somwhere in europe tonight with some friends. But I feel a dose of fear and anxiety coming on. The last time I stayed the night somewhere was terrible! I didnt sleep very well, felt crazy and was over flooded with odd dreams. I am $hi+ing myself. But I know I have to go in order for me too try and pass this fear! I realy dont want to go.

YESTERDAY EARLY THIS MORNING

Stayed over at one of my good mates house. We had to get some stuff done for a project. We did a bit then ended up talking about girls and ex girlfriends. One word of advise: DONT DO BUISNESS WITH FRIENDS!!! You wont get anything done!!! Any way we were watching TV and a programme was on about the negative and positive effects of canibiss. As soon as they went to the topic of mental ilness I could feel my anxiety & panic kicking in. I hate that. Trigger words get on my bloody nerves. Its not as bad s it used to be but its still gets me. There used to be a time where when ever I heard or read the words "mental ilness" "crazy" and especially the word "ANXIETY" I would start getting dizzy light headed and sometimes out of breath. The only thing that was able to calm me down a little was eating. Strange times!
Anyway my mate went to sleep and I was still on the computer untill I started getting tired too. I tried to sleep but forget about it. I mean I did sleep but it was a disturbed sleep. I kept waking up and having funny(but not scary)dreams. I had alot on my mind and once in a blue moon whenever that happens to me sleeping becomes an enemy. I just cant do it. I started thinking about what it would be like living alone. I was really over thinking. I dont mean to do it but I do it quite alot. I was also thinking about the time I went with my friends outside London staying at a hotel where I was having the same problem sleeping. But in that case I felt like I was silently going insane. That was not nice at all.

oidf jnetl?????

Im struggling at the moment. Just woke up and feel dazed. Have some work that needs to be done by yesterday and im hungry. Oh and I have the whole "fear" thing settling in. Sorry about the title!!