Chocolate Spread

Im eating chocolate spread from the jar. And Im in a mood inwhich I feel the possible is impossible. So yeah Im feeling kinda low and just a little "out of control". Just trying to be patience in hope that it will all pass over. Man this is crap. Oh and Im tired!

Ive also been experiencing that old feeling of my body doing its on thing. Its like a mini electric pulse surging through my body. I first had that feeling when I was on holiday in 2007 except it was worse. I hate it when it disturbs my sleep. My sleeping pattern has been crap anyway so that may have somthing to do with it.

"YOUR STRESSED..."

A stranger told me today that Im stressed. That I have allot on my mind. And it made me think. I really must be. Ive always always ALWAYS been a very laid back kind of guy. I didnt worry about a thing. But that was the past. But saying that I still retain some of those traits. But maybe its somthing that Ive always been through. Something that may have laid dormant for a while until later on in my life. I dont know. Ive got a lot to try and figure out for myself. Ivm going to try and write a list of things that stress me out a bit. Possibly in no particular order.

1. I hate being the oldest brother. How Ive turned out is totally not what I wanted to be. I feel sorry for my younger siblings. ESPECIALLY my middle brother. He should have either had a better brother or been the eldest. I should realy lead by example to the younger ones. But thats not the case.

2. I should really have been the best son in the world. But Im not. Im the eldest and have done nothing to make my mum proud.

3.Islam. In my heart its the most beautiful religion in the world. And I know if I try my best it would make drastic positive changes in my life and know Id be FAR more happier...I know this but Im so easily distracted. I love the world too much and I love women. But I also love Allah with ALL MY HEART. But its hard. Its hard to stay on the straight path. In Islam Allah is THE MOST MERCIFUL and capable of forgiving anything. But sometimes I wonder how many times he can forgive me for my silly mistakes. I really hope He is patient with me inshAllah(which means 'God willing').

4. My mind. Wow. My mind has started to rebel against me and sometimes doesnt cooperate with me. I hate waking up not knowing wether your gonna have a crap day or not. "Will I be alright on my own?" "Will I be able to cope with life?" "Will I ever get my big break?". All theses thoughts and funny feelings running through my mind. Bloody nora!

5. ANXIETY. I HHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEE IT!!!! WITH A PASSION!!!!! Chest pains, breathing problems, a feeling of losing control, waking up at odd hours.

6. Myself. I am no longer comfortable with my own self anymore and thats one of the scariest things to happen to me for a while.

Im gonna try and feel out the rest of the list if I get time. Im starting to feel tired now.

In a shitty mood...

Ive been kinda cool for a little while now. No miracles have happened but things have been ok. For the past month Ive had to go and see a psychiatrist to try and delve deeper into my problems. Dont think it was much of a success. All I had was 3 weeks of DUMB questions!!! Anyway forget all that for the time being.
Right now I dont feel to good. Not the worst Ive been but crap none the less! A couple of days ago I felt I wanted to cry. Today im in a bit of a shitty mood. Maybe because I didnt sleep properly. I keep waking up early when I know I dont have work in the morning. I always feel I have to do somthing and not stay trapped in the same old rutt and routine for yet another decade. I need a good change in my life. And I want my old brain back!

How do I feel?...

...Absoloutly SHIT!!! Im the champion at making wrong decisions in life and a loser when I am alone. I think to much and it has a bad effect on me. But I canf help it.


***WARNING: HERE COMES THE SELF PITYING PART***


Why the FUCK does this have to happen to me??? Im a weak individual. I cant live like this! I need a miracle. PLEASE GOD GRANT ME A MIRACLE...EVEN IF I DONT DESERVE IT...PLEASE!?!

I'VE GOT THE FLU...

...Well more like Im trying to recover from one. Probably the longest and worse one I've had in my life. Mentaly anyhow! I've been feeling LLLOOOOOWWWWWW and negative since having this. Im back to that "Im not gonna make it" kind of thinking again. I bloody hate it. I feel NUTTY!! I wish I was joking!!! Went to work sick but missed the other two days because I didnt have the strength and really didnt want to go in. So basicaly Ive been laying low from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE in hope that period of MADNESS will soon pass over. And Im still bloody waiting! Man I dont know what to do anymore. And almost forgot...Ive sarted seeing a phsychiatrist...at a mental hospital. Too damn scared to write that in capitals!! Is it me or can phsychiatrist chat a load of SHIT?!?!? And I on top of that there getting paid to find out whats wrong with me and they cant even do that. And they still get PAID!!!! We're living in a crazy world!! No pun intended! Since I cant do this bit in the real world I'll do it in cyber space:AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ah...much better...NOT!!!!!!

Hello Goodbye

The trip to "Europe" was ok.

Times are hard.

Im going to sleep!

Here we go again on another not so great adventure...

Ok. Im going on a day trip to somwhere in europe tonight with some friends. But I feel a dose of fear and anxiety coming on. The last time I stayed the night somewhere was terrible! I didnt sleep very well, felt crazy and was over flooded with odd dreams. I am $hi+ing myself. But I know I have to go in order for me too try and pass this fear! I realy dont want to go.