Note to self...

...get some sleep!!! Going to bed at 4am is not a good idea!

Wasting too much time doing nothing again

This is the second day that Ive wasted doing nothing. I need to shake this lethargic feeling off. I really need to get some work done.

I am...

...STRUGGLING! I feel like Im on the verge of another serious deppression which I am not looking foward to. Im ok then Im down again. Then Im ok then down again and again and again.

I went out for a nice little walk around my house yesterday and although a little anxious for some odd reason, I really enjoyed it. Fresh air and a bit of sunshine, but not without the cold.
But I cant get over how fast the day went. It got dark pretty quick

**************************************************************************************

You see this is weird. I wanted to finish what I wrote above but I was trying to do it without getting caught by family members. After a good 4 to 5 hours Ive finaly got a chance to continue but cant. You see apart from not being bothered since dissapearing for those couple of hours Ive experienced ups and downs, felt very lethergic, sadness, unreal and hopeless. ALL WITHIN THOSE 4 TO 5 HOURS. This is CRAZY!!!! And now all of a sudden I feel slighty refreshed and am blogging whilst watching a DVD!!!!!!!

BAD BRAIN!

I've been away from this blog for a little while now which is a good thing. Nothings has been amazing but it definitely hasn't been that bad either. Its was good enough to keep me away anyway. But as per usual it was only a matter of time till I started feeling "different" again.

I was in the Sainsburys today and I felt a little anxious with a dash of sadness. On top of that I hadn't eaten for the whole day so that may have added to my slightly melancholy mood. I tried to eat a bit healthy whilst I was there but got seduced by the chocolate milkshake. I couldnt help it. It was just stared at me and Im a weak man. The way I see it Im fragile right now so Im bloody entitled to treat myself.

Anyway, The reason its all gone a bit pear shaped for me right now is all because of Saturday night. Everyone in my family had all of a sudden decided they were going out. So one by one they all left. This is usually cool. I dont always have a problem with this. In fact Im always longing for the opportunity to be left alone. Im a grown ass man. I need the space sometimes. But this time it was different. As soon as the last person left my brain gradually woke up and realised that I was the only one in the house and went into panic mode. It wasnt a panic attack . It was more of an extreme worry. I tried my best to keep myself calm. I even watched a film. But this time round my brain was its own master. It totally ignored me. The bastard!

So now Im left feeling a bit sad, very tired, a little confused, pessimistic and just down right low.But you know what? Im going to try and keep thinking positive and pray and hope for this all to blow over!

Chocolate Spread

Im eating chocolate spread from the jar. And Im in a mood inwhich I feel the possible is impossible. So yeah Im feeling kinda low and just a little "out of control". Just trying to be patience in hope that it will all pass over. Man this is crap. Oh and Im tired!

Ive also been experiencing that old feeling of my body doing its on thing. Its like a mini electric pulse surging through my body. I first had that feeling when I was on holiday in 2007 except it was worse. I hate it when it disturbs my sleep. My sleeping pattern has been crap anyway so that may have somthing to do with it.

"YOUR STRESSED..."

A stranger told me today that Im stressed. That I have allot on my mind. And it made me think. I really must be. Ive always always ALWAYS been a very laid back kind of guy. I didnt worry about a thing. But that was the past. But saying that I still retain some of those traits. But maybe its somthing that Ive always been through. Something that may have laid dormant for a while until later on in my life. I dont know. Ive got a lot to try and figure out for myself. Ivm going to try and write a list of things that stress me out a bit. Possibly in no particular order.

1. I hate being the oldest brother. How Ive turned out is totally not what I wanted to be. I feel sorry for my younger siblings. ESPECIALLY my middle brother. He should have either had a better brother or been the eldest. I should realy lead by example to the younger ones. But thats not the case.

2. I should really have been the best son in the world. But Im not. Im the eldest and have done nothing to make my mum proud.

3.Islam. In my heart its the most beautiful religion in the world. And I know if I try my best it would make drastic positive changes in my life and know Id be FAR more happier...I know this but Im so easily distracted. I love the world too much and I love women. But I also love Allah with ALL MY HEART. But its hard. Its hard to stay on the straight path. In Islam Allah is THE MOST MERCIFUL and capable of forgiving anything. But sometimes I wonder how many times he can forgive me for my silly mistakes. I really hope He is patient with me inshAllah(which means 'God willing').

4. My mind. Wow. My mind has started to rebel against me and sometimes doesnt cooperate with me. I hate waking up not knowing wether your gonna have a crap day or not. "Will I be alright on my own?" "Will I be able to cope with life?" "Will I ever get my big break?". All theses thoughts and funny feelings running through my mind. Bloody nora!

5. ANXIETY. I HHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEE IT!!!! WITH A PASSION!!!!! Chest pains, breathing problems, a feeling of losing control, waking up at odd hours.

6. Myself. I am no longer comfortable with my own self anymore and thats one of the scariest things to happen to me for a while.

Im gonna try and feel out the rest of the list if I get time. Im starting to feel tired now.

In a shitty mood...

Ive been kinda cool for a little while now. No miracles have happened but things have been ok. For the past month Ive had to go and see a psychiatrist to try and delve deeper into my problems. Dont think it was much of a success. All I had was 3 weeks of DUMB questions!!! Anyway forget all that for the time being.
Right now I dont feel to good. Not the worst Ive been but crap none the less! A couple of days ago I felt I wanted to cry. Today im in a bit of a shitty mood. Maybe because I didnt sleep properly. I keep waking up early when I know I dont have work in the morning. I always feel I have to do somthing and not stay trapped in the same old rutt and routine for yet another decade. I need a good change in my life. And I want my old brain back!

How do I feel?...

...Absoloutly SHIT!!! Im the champion at making wrong decisions in life and a loser when I am alone. I think to much and it has a bad effect on me. But I canf help it.


***WARNING: HERE COMES THE SELF PITYING PART***


Why the FUCK does this have to happen to me??? Im a weak individual. I cant live like this! I need a miracle. PLEASE GOD GRANT ME A MIRACLE...EVEN IF I DONT DESERVE IT...PLEASE!?!

I'VE GOT THE FLU...

...Well more like Im trying to recover from one. Probably the longest and worse one I've had in my life. Mentaly anyhow! I've been feeling LLLOOOOOWWWWWW and negative since having this. Im back to that "Im not gonna make it" kind of thinking again. I bloody hate it. I feel NUTTY!! I wish I was joking!!! Went to work sick but missed the other two days because I didnt have the strength and really didnt want to go in. So basicaly Ive been laying low from EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE in hope that period of MADNESS will soon pass over. And Im still bloody waiting! Man I dont know what to do anymore. And almost forgot...Ive sarted seeing a phsychiatrist...at a mental hospital. Too damn scared to write that in capitals!! Is it me or can phsychiatrist chat a load of SHIT?!?!? And I on top of that there getting paid to find out whats wrong with me and they cant even do that. And they still get PAID!!!! We're living in a crazy world!! No pun intended! Since I cant do this bit in the real world I'll do it in cyber space:AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ah...much better...NOT!!!!!!

Hello Goodbye

The trip to "Europe" was ok.

Times are hard.

Im going to sleep!

Here we go again on another not so great adventure...

Ok. Im going on a day trip to somwhere in europe tonight with some friends. But I feel a dose of fear and anxiety coming on. The last time I stayed the night somewhere was terrible! I didnt sleep very well, felt crazy and was over flooded with odd dreams. I am $hi+ing myself. But I know I have to go in order for me too try and pass this fear! I realy dont want to go.

YESTERDAY EARLY THIS MORNING

Stayed over at one of my good mates house. We had to get some stuff done for a project. We did a bit then ended up talking about girls and ex girlfriends. One word of advise: DONT DO BUISNESS WITH FRIENDS!!! You wont get anything done!!! Any way we were watching TV and a programme was on about the negative and positive effects of canibiss. As soon as they went to the topic of mental ilness I could feel my anxiety & panic kicking in. I hate that. Trigger words get on my bloody nerves. Its not as bad s it used to be but its still gets me. There used to be a time where when ever I heard or read the words "mental ilness" "crazy" and especially the word "ANXIETY" I would start getting dizzy light headed and sometimes out of breath. The only thing that was able to calm me down a little was eating. Strange times!
Anyway my mate went to sleep and I was still on the computer untill I started getting tired too. I tried to sleep but forget about it. I mean I did sleep but it was a disturbed sleep. I kept waking up and having funny(but not scary)dreams. I had alot on my mind and once in a blue moon whenever that happens to me sleeping becomes an enemy. I just cant do it. I started thinking about what it would be like living alone. I was really over thinking. I dont mean to do it but I do it quite alot. I was also thinking about the time I went with my friends outside London staying at a hotel where I was having the same problem sleeping. But in that case I felt like I was silently going insane. That was not nice at all.

oidf jnetl?????

Im struggling at the moment. Just woke up and feel dazed. Have some work that needs to be done by yesterday and im hungry. Oh and I have the whole "fear" thing settling in. Sorry about the title!!

Simply...

...scared and sad and listening to the sounds of rain and crickets on youtube.

SAD LONELY DUDE

Ive been having a roller coaster ride of emotions for the past two days. Up then down then up agiain then straight back down. Its been more of a fear of the futrue type of thing. Wondering how Im gonna cope on my own. These thoughts are really two hard to bear sometimes. I feel like im not going to survive. But the odd thing about me is that somtetimes when Ive had somthing to eat I feel like I come back to my senses. Very trange I know. But I cant explain it. But right now I feel a real sense of sadness. But this is a normal sadness. But I feel sad none the less. Why? I feel like my life is a bit of a waist. My friends are slowly but surely coupling up and taking things to the next level. They all seem to be moving in with each other, getting married and most importantly for me having children. And im really happy for all of them. I wish them ALL the best insAllah(God willing!). But I feel left out. Like theres nothing for me. I made contact with a girl I used to know a long time ago. Her sister came round where I work and gave me her number and told me to get in contact with her. This girl im talking about was AMAZING!!The first and only time Ive ever come close to falling in love with someone. She already has a kid and just had another recently with a guy that used to go to the same college. Like I said Im very happy for everyone. Even them. But damn. I wish that guy was me. I wish they were my kids. Of all the lady friends Ive ever met I would have loved her to be in my life. And I know and except that thats just the way life goes. But it hurts. Instead I get to be a grown lonely "crazy" dude. Im fed up. I just want a normal life like everyone else. I want to fall in love and get married. I want to have kids. I feel like im going to die unlucky. But I dont want to.

Madly Stuck.

I know what I want from life and I know which direction I would like it to go. But I really cant see it happening at the moment. I feel stuck crazy and confussed. I dont understand that this whole "madness" should come at a time when I feel most creative and determined in this part of my life.

A note before I leave for work

I feel $h!+ dazed and confussed right now. Really dazed and confussed!!!! Almost sick without feeling sick!!!