Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Wasting too much time doing nothing again
This is the second day that Ive wasted doing nothing. I need to shake this lethargic feeling off. I really need to get some work done.
I am...
...STRUGGLING! I feel like Im on the verge of another serious deppression which I am not looking foward to. Im ok then Im down again. Then Im ok then down again and again and again.
I went out for a nice little walk around my house yesterday and although a little anxious for some odd reason, I really enjoyed it. Fresh air and a bit of sunshine, but not without the cold.
But I cant get over how fast the day went. It got dark pretty quick
**************************************************************************************
You see this is weird. I wanted to finish what I wrote above but I was trying to do it without getting caught by family members. After a good 4 to 5 hours Ive finaly got a chance to continue but cant. You see apart from not being bothered since dissapearing for those couple of hours Ive experienced ups and downs, felt very lethergic, sadness, unreal and hopeless. ALL WITHIN THOSE 4 TO 5 HOURS. This is CRAZY!!!! And now all of a sudden I feel slighty refreshed and am blogging whilst watching a DVD!!!!!!!
I went out for a nice little walk around my house yesterday and although a little anxious for some odd reason, I really enjoyed it. Fresh air and a bit of sunshine, but not without the cold.
But I cant get over how fast the day went. It got dark pretty quick
**************************************************************************************
You see this is weird. I wanted to finish what I wrote above but I was trying to do it without getting caught by family members. After a good 4 to 5 hours Ive finaly got a chance to continue but cant. You see apart from not being bothered since dissapearing for those couple of hours Ive experienced ups and downs, felt very lethergic, sadness, unreal and hopeless. ALL WITHIN THOSE 4 TO 5 HOURS. This is CRAZY!!!! And now all of a sudden I feel slighty refreshed and am blogging whilst watching a DVD!!!!!!!
Monday, 30 November 2009
BAD BRAIN!
I've been away from this blog for a little while now which is a good thing. Nothings has been amazing but it definitely hasn't been that bad either. Its was good enough to keep me away anyway. But as per usual it was only a matter of time till I started feeling "different" again.
I was in the Sainsburys today and I felt a little anxious with a dash of sadness. On top of that I hadn't eaten for the whole day so that may have added to my slightly melancholy mood. I tried to eat a bit healthy whilst I was there but got seduced by the chocolate milkshake. I couldnt help it. It was just stared at me and Im a weak man. The way I see it Im fragile right now so Im bloody entitled to treat myself.
Anyway, The reason its all gone a bit pear shaped for me right now is all because of Saturday night. Everyone in my family had all of a sudden decided they were going out. So one by one they all left. This is usually cool. I dont always have a problem with this. In fact Im always longing for the opportunity to be left alone. Im a grown ass man. I need the space sometimes. But this time it was different. As soon as the last person left my brain gradually woke up and realised that I was the only one in the house and went into panic mode. It wasnt a panic attack . It was more of an extreme worry. I tried my best to keep myself calm. I even watched a film. But this time round my brain was its own master. It totally ignored me. The bastard!
So now Im left feeling a bit sad, very tired, a little confused, pessimistic and just down right low.But you know what? Im going to try and keep thinking positive and pray and hope for this all to blow over!
I was in the Sainsburys today and I felt a little anxious with a dash of sadness. On top of that I hadn't eaten for the whole day so that may have added to my slightly melancholy mood. I tried to eat a bit healthy whilst I was there but got seduced by the chocolate milkshake. I couldnt help it. It was just stared at me and Im a weak man. The way I see it Im fragile right now so Im bloody entitled to treat myself.
Anyway, The reason its all gone a bit pear shaped for me right now is all because of Saturday night. Everyone in my family had all of a sudden decided they were going out. So one by one they all left. This is usually cool. I dont always have a problem with this. In fact Im always longing for the opportunity to be left alone. Im a grown ass man. I need the space sometimes. But this time it was different. As soon as the last person left my brain gradually woke up and realised that I was the only one in the house and went into panic mode. It wasnt a panic attack . It was more of an extreme worry. I tried my best to keep myself calm. I even watched a film. But this time round my brain was its own master. It totally ignored me. The bastard!
So now Im left feeling a bit sad, very tired, a little confused, pessimistic and just down right low.But you know what? Im going to try and keep thinking positive and pray and hope for this all to blow over!
Monday, 7 September 2009
Chocolate Spread
Im eating chocolate spread from the jar. And Im in a mood inwhich I feel the possible is impossible. So yeah Im feeling kinda low and just a little "out of control". Just trying to be patience in hope that it will all pass over. Man this is crap. Oh and Im tired!
Ive also been experiencing that old feeling of my body doing its on thing. Its like a mini electric pulse surging through my body. I first had that feeling when I was on holiday in 2007 except it was worse. I hate it when it disturbs my sleep. My sleeping pattern has been crap anyway so that may have somthing to do with it.
Ive also been experiencing that old feeling of my body doing its on thing. Its like a mini electric pulse surging through my body. I first had that feeling when I was on holiday in 2007 except it was worse. I hate it when it disturbs my sleep. My sleeping pattern has been crap anyway so that may have somthing to do with it.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
"YOUR STRESSED..."
A stranger told me today that Im stressed. That I have allot on my mind. And it made me think. I really must be. Ive always always ALWAYS been a very laid back kind of guy. I didnt worry about a thing. But that was the past. But saying that I still retain some of those traits. But maybe its somthing that Ive always been through. Something that may have laid dormant for a while until later on in my life. I dont know. Ive got a lot to try and figure out for myself. Ivm going to try and write a list of things that stress me out a bit. Possibly in no particular order.
1. I hate being the oldest brother. How Ive turned out is totally not what I wanted to be. I feel sorry for my younger siblings. ESPECIALLY my middle brother. He should have either had a better brother or been the eldest. I should realy lead by example to the younger ones. But thats not the case.
2. I should really have been the best son in the world. But Im not. Im the eldest and have done nothing to make my mum proud.
3.Islam. In my heart its the most beautiful religion in the world. And I know if I try my best it would make drastic positive changes in my life and know Id be FAR more happier...I know this but Im so easily distracted. I love the world too much and I love women. But I also love Allah with ALL MY HEART. But its hard. Its hard to stay on the straight path. In Islam Allah is THE MOST MERCIFUL and capable of forgiving anything. But sometimes I wonder how many times he can forgive me for my silly mistakes. I really hope He is patient with me inshAllah(which means 'God willing').
4. My mind. Wow. My mind has started to rebel against me and sometimes doesnt cooperate with me. I hate waking up not knowing wether your gonna have a crap day or not. "Will I be alright on my own?" "Will I be able to cope with life?" "Will I ever get my big break?". All theses thoughts and funny feelings running through my mind. Bloody nora!
5. ANXIETY. I HHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEE IT!!!! WITH A PASSION!!!!! Chest pains, breathing problems, a feeling of losing control, waking up at odd hours.
6. Myself. I am no longer comfortable with my own self anymore and thats one of the scariest things to happen to me for a while.
Im gonna try and feel out the rest of the list if I get time. Im starting to feel tired now.
1. I hate being the oldest brother. How Ive turned out is totally not what I wanted to be. I feel sorry for my younger siblings. ESPECIALLY my middle brother. He should have either had a better brother or been the eldest. I should realy lead by example to the younger ones. But thats not the case.
2. I should really have been the best son in the world. But Im not. Im the eldest and have done nothing to make my mum proud.
3.Islam. In my heart its the most beautiful religion in the world. And I know if I try my best it would make drastic positive changes in my life and know Id be FAR more happier...I know this but Im so easily distracted. I love the world too much and I love women. But I also love Allah with ALL MY HEART. But its hard. Its hard to stay on the straight path. In Islam Allah is THE MOST MERCIFUL and capable of forgiving anything. But sometimes I wonder how many times he can forgive me for my silly mistakes. I really hope He is patient with me inshAllah(which means 'God willing').
4. My mind. Wow. My mind has started to rebel against me and sometimes doesnt cooperate with me. I hate waking up not knowing wether your gonna have a crap day or not. "Will I be alright on my own?" "Will I be able to cope with life?" "Will I ever get my big break?". All theses thoughts and funny feelings running through my mind. Bloody nora!
5. ANXIETY. I HHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEEE IT!!!! WITH A PASSION!!!!! Chest pains, breathing problems, a feeling of losing control, waking up at odd hours.
6. Myself. I am no longer comfortable with my own self anymore and thats one of the scariest things to happen to me for a while.
Im gonna try and feel out the rest of the list if I get time. Im starting to feel tired now.
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
In a shitty mood...
Ive been kinda cool for a little while now. No miracles have happened but things have been ok. For the past month Ive had to go and see a psychiatrist to try and delve deeper into my problems. Dont think it was much of a success. All I had was 3 weeks of DUMB questions!!! Anyway forget all that for the time being.
Right now I dont feel to good. Not the worst Ive been but crap none the less! A couple of days ago I felt I wanted to cry. Today im in a bit of a shitty mood. Maybe because I didnt sleep properly. I keep waking up early when I know I dont have work in the morning. I always feel I have to do somthing and not stay trapped in the same old rutt and routine for yet another decade. I need a good change in my life. And I want my old brain back!
Right now I dont feel to good. Not the worst Ive been but crap none the less! A couple of days ago I felt I wanted to cry. Today im in a bit of a shitty mood. Maybe because I didnt sleep properly. I keep waking up early when I know I dont have work in the morning. I always feel I have to do somthing and not stay trapped in the same old rutt and routine for yet another decade. I need a good change in my life. And I want my old brain back!
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