Simply...

...scared and sad and listening to the sounds of rain and crickets on youtube.

SAD LONELY DUDE

Ive been having a roller coaster ride of emotions for the past two days. Up then down then up agiain then straight back down. Its been more of a fear of the futrue type of thing. Wondering how Im gonna cope on my own. These thoughts are really two hard to bear sometimes. I feel like im not going to survive. But the odd thing about me is that somtetimes when Ive had somthing to eat I feel like I come back to my senses. Very trange I know. But I cant explain it. But right now I feel a real sense of sadness. But this is a normal sadness. But I feel sad none the less. Why? I feel like my life is a bit of a waist. My friends are slowly but surely coupling up and taking things to the next level. They all seem to be moving in with each other, getting married and most importantly for me having children. And im really happy for all of them. I wish them ALL the best insAllah(God willing!). But I feel left out. Like theres nothing for me. I made contact with a girl I used to know a long time ago. Her sister came round where I work and gave me her number and told me to get in contact with her. This girl im talking about was AMAZING!!The first and only time Ive ever come close to falling in love with someone. She already has a kid and just had another recently with a guy that used to go to the same college. Like I said Im very happy for everyone. Even them. But damn. I wish that guy was me. I wish they were my kids. Of all the lady friends Ive ever met I would have loved her to be in my life. And I know and except that thats just the way life goes. But it hurts. Instead I get to be a grown lonely "crazy" dude. Im fed up. I just want a normal life like everyone else. I want to fall in love and get married. I want to have kids. I feel like im going to die unlucky. But I dont want to.

Madly Stuck.

I know what I want from life and I know which direction I would like it to go. But I really cant see it happening at the moment. I feel stuck crazy and confussed. I dont understand that this whole "madness" should come at a time when I feel most creative and determined in this part of my life.

A note before I leave for work

I feel $h!+ dazed and confussed right now. Really dazed and confussed!!!! Almost sick without feeling sick!!!