"NICE DAYS"

I woke up to a bit of nice sunshine this morning wich was pretty nice.A bit chilly, but nice. And I had a day off work which was a bonus. Got a phone call from an old lady friend (yes just a friend) from uni. Just spent the morning with her shoping during the boxing day sales. I didnt get anything special. Just a scketch pad. But anyway, when we arrived at the car park for the first time in a very long time I felt normal. I havent felt like this for a while. I felt like I didnt have a problem. It was realy nice. I wish it would last but I know how Im like. I cant predict somtimes whether Im going to feel good or not. Its a strange and scary world Im living in. But anyway I really would like more of these "nice days". Its like winning the lottery. Its nice to be at peace. It makes me really appreciate it when it comes. It makes me think how much we take for granted. Just the very simple things in life is a blessing. And as tough as things can be im thankful for it.

WHAT IM LISTENING TO ON REPEAT ON iTUNES

Ash- Someday

1 YEAR LATER...

Just felt the need to make a note to myself that its been 1 year and a bit since my whole mental status got a bit too serious. To be honest I really didnt think I was gonna be able to cope. I am geniuonly supprised a year has gone by so quickley and that I kinda made my way through it. I feel like things have improved and in the same breath have got worse.

STILL CANT THINK OF A TITLE

I actually feel a little better for writng the post below...but just a LITTLE!

SORRY I CANT THINK OF A TITLE

Im a in bit of a mood today. I dont feel extremely terrible, just a bit sad. Yesterday I felt my old feelings of fear creeping back up. Not nice. Especially when your on top of the world. The day before that I was unnecessarily anxious. Breathing was difficult. Just when you think your getting better, your not. Life realy isnt what we...or even I imagined it would be as a kid. My phsycologist is trying to refer me to see a professional at a real mental hospital. She says it will last about a year if I decide to go through with it. Man! I dont know if Im looking forward to it or not, but deep down I know I need help. To all those who suffer with some kind of mental health problem, I clap my hands to you. I dont know how you manage both that and life at the same time.

Ive got a few friends who know about me and my depression/anxiety/or whatever and a few out of the bunch of them have confidentially come out to me and told me they have been going through similar things as me. Both have gone through the therapy/counseling/citalopram/medication thing. One in particular even wrote about being hospitalized. And she still struggles but has come out strong and is amongst the group of friends who holds down a professional job. I really admire her. Looking at her and chatting to her you would NEVER guess she has a problem. Its a random thing to say but I really really really(ok enuff with the really business) wish I met someone like her. I would love to meet a girl who loves me and my madness and who understands exactly what im going through. But at the moment things seem impossible.

QUESTIONS

Will I ever get better? Is it still possible to to get some peace in here? Will I ever defeat fear? Will I ever be comfortable with myself again? Will I ever be able to lead a near enough "normal life"? Will I ever get married? Despite all the mental mayhem can I still persue my dreams? Will I continue to be in financial hardship? Will all this expiate my sins? Will I ever have kids? Will I ever be able t suport myself with ease? Will I ever find a wife? Lets just hope the future starts getting bright real soon INSHALLAH!!!

AN ALTERNATIVE TO ANTIDEPRESSENT MEDICATIONS PERHAPS?

Im not saying that this is the answer to my prayers, but anythings worth a try right?

CITALOPRAM TAKE 2...

I think Iv been on citalopram for almost two weeks. I don't know if there helping me or not. But I feel awful! It was bearable for a couple of days then after that, not so good. I want to get off them but thats what Ive done in the past. This time I'm trying to stay committed to them. It could be that Im just experiencing side effects which may go away after my body gets used to it in its system. This is what a friend told me, who is also on the same medication. I cant believe how drowsy the meds have been making me feel. And on top of that I get extremely hungry. These meds really make me feel worse. Almost like the exact same feelings I had when I first experienced depression and anxiety. Not good. I fel asleep on the tills at work this week(could also be due to the fact I went out to a club two days before and didnt sleep till 11am the next day. Man im not as young as I used to be.). I couldent help myself. Usualy Im able to shake off the tired feeling and get on with it. But not this time.
I was even ment to go see a mate today but over slept, then jumped back into bed again. And Im still in my work clothes! I thought these meds were ment to help!?
Now I remember the reason why I failed to continue with my other antidepressants in the first place.

Well done New Zealand

Ive been looking for this commercial from New Zealand everywhere. I stumbled upon it randomly early this year and was very impressed. Its ashame we dont have ads like this where im from. Could make such a big difference.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One word of advice to anyone suffering from ANY  type of mental illness...SLEEP WELL!!!! Make sure you sleep at an appropriate time and for at least 7-8 hours! I did'nt last night and I've just awoken trying to catch up with missed sleep and feel AWFUL!!! And on top of that I had a disturbing dream which has not helped at all. But saying that Im starting to feel better very slowly...!

"STUMBLEINE"

Ok I haven't posted anything in a little while but all of a sudden I feel the need to. Why? Its a bit silly and not that important but...Il type it any way. I went to bed really late last night and this morning I feel absolutely knackered! Cream crackered I tell you! Not in the best of moods but ok. So I start surfing on the net and have my itunes on shuffle. Then I come across an art site that leads to an artist flickr page called Mike Lay. He has some pretty cool stuff. But then he has some other sites and is very honest about having a rough time at the moment. I felt a bit sorry for him. And like his work. But anyway whilst I just started reading about his thoughts, my itunes throws at me Smashing Pumpkins -"Stumbleine" (in which I quickly leave on repeat). All of a sudden my room lights up slightly from behind me and memories of a certain era come flashing back. It was the combination of that particular Smashing Pumpkins song, the sun light on the desktop I work at and possibly reading bits of Mike Lays journal that brought back the feelings of my art college foundation days. For 5 minutes I remembered how "normal" things used to be. How different the world and I was. How life made me feel. And for that small moment in time, the 15 minutes given to me to reminisce, the reflection of the suns light that decorated itself on my wall and most importantly the feelings I was comforted with like an old love from the past was beautiful.

A Beautiful Mind?

Ive been "OK" for a little while now. No miracles or nothing like that. Just surviving. That was until yesterday. Every thing was going fine until sometime in the afternoon. I had fallen asleep after watching, or at least attempting to watch "A Beautiful Mind". I was knackerd!! And possibly cold. I had a very disturbed sleep! I twitched quite alot(which is embarrassing) and had this sort of "out of control" feeling! All this whilst still asleep. I woke up feeling a bit spaced out! And today Ive felt a residue of yesterdays madness. Ive just been feeling mentaly and physicaly sick. My concentration has been a bit blurred, my arms and legs have felt like they've been on fire and my nerves started taking control again! All this had realy amde me feel realy down and I havent been feeling depressed for a while. Like I've said before, if it aint one thing then its somthing else!

....

Its 1:16 in the morning and Im feeling like absolute crap! I should realy try and get some sleep but Im too bloody stuburn!

THE BIG BROWN LETTER

I went to see my Doctor a couple of weeks ago to tell him about my current situation and me possibly being bipolar. I saw him type something up on his screen to send to some kind of phsycologist. That kind of worried me. I cant believe I actually went to seek professional help (although Ive been to see counselors a numerous amount of time with short term success). He said he would send the letter and then they would get in touch with me. And what did I see when I got home from work? A big brown letter with a second class stamp with my name written on it. In Biro!! I knew what it was straight away. And it says I have to phone them within seven days too make an appointment. I'm $#!+ing bricks!

STILL NO IMPROVEMENT

What the hell has happend to me? Im confussed. I dont know how on earth im going to survive this madness! How do you survive this? What am I suffering from? And why??? Its effecting my work and social life! Ive been a hermit for almost a week and a half. Im ignoring all my calls. My MSN is switched to offine. Im embracing the night time and hate the day time. What am I some kind of vampire or something? And why is it when I feel Im almost doing well, somthing strange happens to me that brings me right back down again.
And why am I so petrified of the future?

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I just feel like stoping.

AND FINALLY SOME CALM...

Its 2:04 in the morning. Why do I finaly feel so calm? Is it because im tired? Because I actauly did my last prayer earlier on? Or that nobody is awake and im free to be me? What ever the reason Allhamdulillah!!

STILL CONFUSSED

I dont know wether to scream, run, cry or just curl up in a fetus position in a corner. Im emotionaly drained and confussed. I've tried to avoid the day by just over sleeping.
Im realy trying my best to be strong. I try psych myself up to be positive and do things, but it doesnt last very long. And me listening to depressing music isnt doing me any favours either.
I feel like the two most important parts of me, my mind & body, have ganged up on me and become best friends! Imagine that! Being bullied by my own self!
If Im not crying for no reason, im crying for a reason. If im not crying, then im in some level pysical pain. If im not in pain, then im swarmed by absolute fear of ABSOLOUTLY NOTHING!
Am I the only one who understands what im going through? Is there some way of getting through this?

NOT AGAIN...

Its happening again. My dreams feel alot better than life. I almost dread waking up. I have experienced this before. Not good. Not good at all. I really hope this passes.

IM WORRIED...

Im worried. Ive always known there was somthing wrong with me as a child (I'll hopefully explain somtime later in the blog) but I've always been able to cope with it. Now things have changed. Im finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. How can I be in the happiest mood in the world one minuite then all of a sudden overwhelmed with random fear the next? All in the space of a week and somtimes even a day!! Im petrified sometimes.
There used to be a time I looked foward to the future. Now im to scared to even think about it. Although as a child I excepted the possibilty of things getting worse in my adult life I dont think I quite prepared myself for things to turn out like this. There is a GREAT possibility that I may be Bipolar. The moodswings, deep depressions, abnormal phsyical pains, anxiety, extreme nervousness, paranoia...the list probably goes on but I cant be bothered to think about the rest.

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY

Today I feel like im in a strange world. Im not at all too depressed. I just feel like I cant do anything. And I cant believe Ive wasted the whole day not doing much. Im just in a baffled state of mind.
For a whole week before hand I was almost on top of the world. I felt like I could do almost anything I wanted to if I put my mind to it. Then came friday hand in hand with my down spiraling confidence and self belief. It almost like a game of tug of war up here.