THE BIG BROWN LETTER

I went to see my Doctor a couple of weeks ago to tell him about my current situation and me possibly being bipolar. I saw him type something up on his screen to send to some kind of phsycologist. That kind of worried me. I cant believe I actually went to seek professional help (although Ive been to see counselors a numerous amount of time with short term success). He said he would send the letter and then they would get in touch with me. And what did I see when I got home from work? A big brown letter with a second class stamp with my name written on it. In Biro!! I knew what it was straight away. And it says I have to phone them within seven days too make an appointment. I'm $#!+ing bricks!

STILL NO IMPROVEMENT

What the hell has happend to me? Im confussed. I dont know how on earth im going to survive this madness! How do you survive this? What am I suffering from? And why??? Its effecting my work and social life! Ive been a hermit for almost a week and a half. Im ignoring all my calls. My MSN is switched to offine. Im embracing the night time and hate the day time. What am I some kind of vampire or something? And why is it when I feel Im almost doing well, somthing strange happens to me that brings me right back down again.
And why am I so petrified of the future?

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I just feel like stoping.

AND FINALLY SOME CALM...

Its 2:04 in the morning. Why do I finaly feel so calm? Is it because im tired? Because I actauly did my last prayer earlier on? Or that nobody is awake and im free to be me? What ever the reason Allhamdulillah!!

STILL CONFUSSED

I dont know wether to scream, run, cry or just curl up in a fetus position in a corner. Im emotionaly drained and confussed. I've tried to avoid the day by just over sleeping.
Im realy trying my best to be strong. I try psych myself up to be positive and do things, but it doesnt last very long. And me listening to depressing music isnt doing me any favours either.
I feel like the two most important parts of me, my mind & body, have ganged up on me and become best friends! Imagine that! Being bullied by my own self!
If Im not crying for no reason, im crying for a reason. If im not crying, then im in some level pysical pain. If im not in pain, then im swarmed by absolute fear of ABSOLOUTLY NOTHING!
Am I the only one who understands what im going through? Is there some way of getting through this?

NOT AGAIN...

Its happening again. My dreams feel alot better than life. I almost dread waking up. I have experienced this before. Not good. Not good at all. I really hope this passes.

IM WORRIED...

Im worried. Ive always known there was somthing wrong with me as a child (I'll hopefully explain somtime later in the blog) but I've always been able to cope with it. Now things have changed. Im finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. How can I be in the happiest mood in the world one minuite then all of a sudden overwhelmed with random fear the next? All in the space of a week and somtimes even a day!! Im petrified sometimes.
There used to be a time I looked foward to the future. Now im to scared to even think about it. Although as a child I excepted the possibilty of things getting worse in my adult life I dont think I quite prepared myself for things to turn out like this. There is a GREAT possibility that I may be Bipolar. The moodswings, deep depressions, abnormal phsyical pains, anxiety, extreme nervousness, paranoia...the list probably goes on but I cant be bothered to think about the rest.

SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY

Today I feel like im in a strange world. Im not at all too depressed. I just feel like I cant do anything. And I cant believe Ive wasted the whole day not doing much. Im just in a baffled state of mind.
For a whole week before hand I was almost on top of the world. I felt like I could do almost anything I wanted to if I put my mind to it. Then came friday hand in hand with my down spiraling confidence and self belief. It almost like a game of tug of war up here.