Tuesday 12 November 2013

Tuesday night/Wednesday morning rant

My eyeballs feel cold. Im tired. I feel a little cloudy headed. I cant seem to cry although I probably want to. Its almost feels like having a bad cold minus the coughing, sneezing and temperature. And it sucks. I always always ALWAYS seem to forget that I have a problem every time Im doing good. Like this whole madness will disappear forever. But Im actually starting to realise it doesn't work like that.

The past month has been a little crap for me. I was feeling really low. Really sad. Probably lasted about a week. It was similar to when I first went through the whole depression. It was a bit scary for me as its not a feeling you want knocking on your door too often. But then it seemed to have disappeared. Thane I went through the hole anxious stage. I think I started to panic about what I was going to do with myself. I had a new job, which I surprisingly enjoyed but it was only temporary. It ended at the end of September. Even thought I dont like to admit it, I think that could be one of the reasons I started feeling down. On top of that we have no money in the house and it sucks. One by one all my siblings are moving out from our home and now the council want us out. I have no real savings and I have to look out for my mother as well as try to hold myself together. And who wants to e homeless? I dont know how things are going to work out but I have to have hope. Like I thats it. I have no other choice. But its hard. I know compared to other people, my struggles/obstacles are nothing, but that doesn't mean it isnt difficult. I worried as heck!! All I can do is pray, try and be positive and be patient, but its hard sometimes. Especially when it all takes a toll on you physically. Like for the whole of yesterday and today I just feel mentally and physically weird (although I did feel like this last week and was surprisingly active with getting stuff done. But not so today). That cloud over your head, the weight you feel at the front of your head, its just plain weird. And GUILT. I will always feel guilty for the things I should have done as an older brother and son. Its so hard to change. I admire people who can. I just want to be a good person. But its difficult.

I theres anyone reading this and confused by what I've written don't panic. Sometimes I just need to rant and get things of my chest. And it actually feels good. Even if it doesn't last.

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